A New Year

As the New year got closer and closer, I couldn’t help but think of last New Years Eve, 


a year ago:

We were making egg rolls at my in-laws house, one of their fun holiday traditions. 


Besides feelings sick to my stomach (because the smell of just about everything made me nauseous in my first trimester)

I remember as it got closer to midnight, I couldn’t shake the question in my mind.. 

What will life be like exactly one year from now?

This wasn’t going to be like any year before. 

I was newly married, which offered its own set of challenges, opportunities for growth and maturity, and exciting adventures. 

I knew we’d have a 6 month old baby come the end of 2013.

But that was about all I knew.


I didn’t know whether or not the baby would be healthy, I just assumed they would. 

I didn’t know if I would be able to finish school or continue to work with a new born. 

I didn’t know if we would be able to pay for labor and delivery and all the extra costs that come with a new baby. 

I didn’t know where we would be living, or what kind of health insurance we would find.

I wasn’t sure how Jon’s MCAT would go, or how the rest of his academic endeavors would pan out. 


I didn’t know what we’d name our baby, or even whether it was a boy or a girl. 


I didn’t know a lot of things, 

but I continued to let all of these unanswered questions occupy my mind.


Not only in that night, but a majority of the time, my thoughts found their way back to worry. 

If I could go back to that night..

If I could just have one hour to talk to that girl I was one year ago, from the perspective I have now.. 

I would tell her this: 

“Stop. 

Stop wondering.


Stop worrying.


No amount of questioning,


no amount of worry or stress will prepare you for what is about to come.


You have to change what you think about, because you are not meant to be in control of what happens to you.


There will be multiple occasions in 2013 when you will hit rock bottom, and you will be angry that you aren’t in control. You will think that surely you know what is best.


I can tell you that the things that are about to take place..


even though you may not see it, 


they are a tender mercy.


You won’t understand it, you will be pretty miserable, pretty heartbroken and hopeless..


It will take time..


But I promise, you’ll start to see the light again.


You’ll start to see that through those moments when you were completely lost and alone,


they were leading you closer to home.


Without those moments that brought you to your knees,


your life would be mediocre at best.


Never too happy, never too sad.


Never really knowing your limits, because you’ve never been close to them.


And there’s one thing you need to know, 


the mediocre don’t make it home.


Yes, it will be incredibly hard. 


Harder then anything you’ve experienced up to this point.


You’ll question yourself. You’ll question God. You’ll question life in general.


But in the end, you’ll be grateful you aren’t in control.


You’ll be grateful He loved you enough, to lead you home.”


If I could go back to a year ago, that is what I would tell “me”..


Not because it would change the outcome, but because it would have saved me a lot of time and energy that went toward worrying about things that I couldn’t control anyway.


It would have reminded myself to put that same amount of energy toward things I can control, like my own personal development, and my happiness in the moment.


I’ve always wondered what people mean when they say “Live each day like it’s your last”.


To me, that’s stupid.


You’d be like, crying.


Just take every day for what it is: a new day.


A new opportunity to work toward the person you want to become.


I don’t believe living life to the fullest means you have to embark on some incredible adventure everyday. 


I think learning to control your thoughts, choosing to think about things that motivate you, drive you, and make you happy.. 

and working hard toward the goals you’ve set,


that’s what it means to live life to the fullest. And consistently doing this will lead to happiness. 

And you may end up realizing you were on an adventure all along. 


I’ve learned this year that happiness take incredible amount of effort, both mentally and physically. 

And I’ve made a few resolutions that can take me one step closer to embracing each day in 2014.


Taken the last day of 2013, after he almost killed us both with fireworks:) 

I won’t tell you all of them, because I know you probably don’t care,


But I have three that I’m pretty stoked about.


1. Let it go.


Forget about the what if’s and maybes. All those do is create expectations that make it impossible to be happy in the moment. Instead I want to focus on things that I have control over, like how I can become better, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If I recognize that some things I just can’t control, I won’t stress myself out attempting to. 

I have this goal, and it’s probably dumb. 

But the goal is that one day I want to be that mom that just found out there was a bill that forgot to get paid, and there was a huge late fee. Even worse, it will be when Jon is in residency and the majority of that small income will be toward paying off student loans. At that same time, I picture one of my kids coming up to me telling me he forgot to do his homework, while another knocks their plate off the counter leaving shattered glass and food everywhere. Jon won’t be around much, and I will feel pretty lonely and worn out.

One day, my goal is to be able to take all that little stress, and remember this moment and think to myself,

“You knew this would happen.” 

And then, I want to be able to take a deep breath, maybe laugh to myself because it will be the last thing I want to do, and let it go.  I want to put that energy toward taking it one step at a time, rather then focusing on the stress and worry. I know my reaction will have a far bigger impact in the long run, then a missed assignment, a late fee, or spilled food. 

This may not seem like a worthy goal, but I see it benefiting far greater things. 

2. Be honest.


No, this isn’t because I’m a cheater or a liar. This is because I want to be more honest in my blog posts. 

The truth is, losing my son was devastating. But it’s not the only part of my life that is hard. There’s actually a lot more to it. Those things you read above about the “moments that brought me to my knees” those moments didn’t just involve losing my baby. 

But you probably didn’t know that huh? 

I want to be more honest, because reading blogs that share perfect pictures with perfect stories do nothing for me. Those moments, that I can guarantee almost everyone feels at some point, yet you think to yourself, “Am I the only one who feels this way?” I want to articulate those moments, so people leave feeling a little better, knowing they aren’t alone. 

No, I’m not going to give you all the details about arguments Jon and I have. But I’ll tell you there are plenty. I won’t tell you about the family issues, but I’ll let you know their there. 

Because I want to be honest. I’m human, and you are too. Now that we’ve acknowledged that, lets make each others journey a little bit easier. And we can start by not making one another feel worse with unrealistic portrayals of our lives. 


3. Put Jon first.


Does that sound sexist? I don’t really care. That boy is so good to me. I care about him more than anything and I want to be better at showing it. I know that putting my marriage first is the best way to help me become better. Whether it’s a better student, a better employee, a better mother, putting Jon first will help me get there. 


There you have it. My 3 main goals.


2013 was hard in every sense of the word, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything..

But I am definitely grateful for a new start! 

And so far, 2014 has already started off great:) 

We’ve set off fireworks, saw the second movie of The Hobbit, and talked ourselves into taking the week off.. 

 I know the challenges of 2013 aren’t over yet, but I’ve chosen to approach them in a new way. 


What have you learned in 2013? And how do you want to make  2014 better?


Happy New Year!:)