Before I came to Din Daeng to volunteer I wrote out some intentions of what I hoped to accomplish and learn while I was here. Both about myself and others. Which are of course, one in the same.
The learning and accomplishing is happening at a rapid speed. Too rapid. It's starting to take it's toll. And in the process, one unexpected issue has risen to the surface. One that is refusing to be ignored any longer. Which I hate and appreciate all at once.
For the past couple of years I have struggled with a negative body image. Surprise. I'm convinced 99% of women have this struggle. But it's become increasingly more and more of a problem in my life and in my progress.
I am not unaware of the irony behind the fact that i'm volunteering at a Women's Empowerment Center, while I have viewed and treated myself in a way that is extremely disempowering.
So the other night, my sister and I had spent the weekend visiting Koh Lorn island (we have weekends off during our time here as volunteers, which is very much needed).
We got a lot of time to ourselves, so I opened up to her about it. I admitted I have struggled with a border line eating disorder, and out of anyone I should know better. I majored in Exercise and Wellness in college. I'm a big believer in "self-love" being a cure all. I know how dangerous and life altering body shaming and therefore eating disorders can be. I know better. And somehow, it hasn't been enough.
Annie is smart. She knew this was indicative of a deeper issue, which I knew too, but it was nice to have someone else acknowledge it.
I have known deep down that solving this relationship with myself and my body would also heal other parts of my life as well. But i've been too distracted by all the unexpected turns my life has taken, that I haven't taken time to give this part of myself the care and attention it's needed.
It turns out living on the other side of the world creates the solitude that makes issues like this hard to ignore.
Through being in another country and volunteering in a culture so different from my own, i've learned the real issue has nothing to do with how I look. But it has everything to do with viewing myself through the eyes of a society whose version of "ideal" has a
long
way to go before it reaches what it means to be
actually
physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy. And the real problem is i've convinced myself that my worth was based on whether or not I looked like all the people in those shitty "female motivation" instagram and pinterest accounts that promoted this "ideal".
I have always believed people are more than their bodies. But for some reason I've made myself the exception when i'm actually the rule. We all are.
Working with the women and children at Good Shepherd Sisters (The Women's Empowerment Center) has made all of this abundantly clear. They all come from backgrounds of poverty or abuse. Sometimes both.
Their stories are horrifying and their bravery is exemplary. How far apart their thighs are or whether or not they have a six pack is so low on the priority list it's laughable.
And it feels enormously hypocritical to be dedicated to helping them see their self worth while in turn refusing to acknowledge my own.
Being here has taught me that one thing is for certain: We shouldn't just quit telling ourselves that we aren't enough simply because it's
hurting
us..
We should quit telling ourselves we aren't enough because it's NOT TRUE.
So here's to being more generous toward our ourselves. Especially our bodies.
Oh and first things first. I unfollowed every single social media account that promotes a version of "health" that has anything to do with six packs or size zero's or anything of the sort.
Basically anything that paints "healthiness" as being purely about one's appearance.
I have a feeling I won't be missing out.
