A journal entry:
Dear Journal,
It's been 26 days since my beautiful baby boy was brought
into the world.
And 22 since he passed.
I've made it through 22 days.
Sometimes I miss him so much it makes my heart ache and
breathing seem difficult.
Everyone has moved on, I don't blame them.
They didn't know him like I did.
While life has gotten back to normal, in a way it hasn't.
I'm not the same. I'm completely changed.
But it's a good thing.
People ask, how are you?
Everyone has moved on, I don't blame them.
They didn't know him like I did.
While life has gotten back to normal, in a way it hasn't.
I'm not the same. I'm completely changed.
But it's a good thing.
People ask, how are you?
It's a valid question.
But I don't know how to reply.
"Good" just doesn't seem adequate.
"Ok" isn't accurate either.
I'm better then ok. I'm better then good, even.
But I'm still hurting.
My son has changed me.
But I don't know how to reply.
"Good" just doesn't seem adequate.
"Ok" isn't accurate either.
I'm better then ok. I'm better then good, even.
But I'm still hurting.
My son has changed me.
Everything Jon and I do, our son is on our mind and in our hearts.
Instead of seeing life as stressful, or monotonous,
now I see it's just beautiful.
I try and see life through my sons eyes.
Every detail.
And the most beautiful part is the unseen.
What we don't see, but know is there.
And somehow this experience has brought me closer to the unseen.
Instead of seeing life as stressful, or monotonous,
now I see it's just beautiful.
I try and see life through my sons eyes.
Every detail.
And the most beautiful part is the unseen.
What we don't see, but know is there.
And somehow this experience has brought me closer to the unseen.
"Prove you believe in things not of this world.."
A feeling that came over me as I laid in a hospital bed and found out I would have to say goodbye to my son in this life.
Proving is a painful process. But it is also a rewarding one.
The whole experience, if I had to sum it up in one word, it would be:
Defining.
Every detail about the experience has defined my life.
Do I really know I will see him again?
Do I truly believe in an all powerful, and all knowing God?
Is the power of the atonement, unconditional?
And the answer?
The truth is, this experience caused me to question these things more then ever.
I never doubted it. I just needed to be reminded, because so much was on the line.
And now, I know it so much I can't imagine questioning it ever again.
This rings true in every detail of my life.
Before I make a choice, I think, what would my son think of me?
If he was watching, would he be proud to call me his mom?
I hope so.
And when I am tempted to complain or feel sorry for myself, I think of his tiny body on that table.
Fighting to be on this earth for just a little bit longer.
He was our little fighter.
Something he got from his daddy.
Guilt still tries to find it's way in sometimes.
But the what if's don't matter now.
He wasn't meant to stay.
This rings true in every detail of my life.
Before I make a choice, I think, what would my son think of me?
If he was watching, would he be proud to call me his mom?
I hope so.
And when I am tempted to complain or feel sorry for myself, I think of his tiny body on that table.
Fighting to be on this earth for just a little bit longer.
He was our little fighter.
Something he got from his daddy.
Guilt still tries to find it's way in sometimes.
But the what if's don't matter now.
He wasn't meant to stay.
And even though I struggle everyday to accept that fact, I have managed to, for 22 days.
No matter how many tears it requires, or how painful it is.
I know he wasn't meant to stay.
He is healed, and he is happy.
And through tender mercies given by the Lord, I have come to know that my son knows I love him so much.
That brings more comfort then I thought possible,
and more joy then I thought I was capable of feeling.
It's a beautiful heartbreak.
Tomorrow, Jon and I go to Cali with my family.
Our days have been filled with working
full time, emotional ups and downs, and lots of phone calls and meetings
trying to figure out hospital bills, medical records, and getting signed
up for fall classes/internships.
We need to get out of here.
And now that most of it is finalized, we are!
Can't wait:)