Scars

I had a friend invite me to a facebook group today titled: LDS Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support

I read stories from women who had lost little ones, and my heart nearly burst for them.. 

I wanted to hug them and say "I have been there, I know how it feels! You will make it through this!" 

Sometimes, all you need is someone to believe in you. 

 I remember after Jon died, I was desperate to find stories and blogs of women who knew what I was feeling. 

The people who reached out to me during that time will always have a special place in my heart. 

I just wanted to document something I wrote on FB a few days ago, because the purpose of this blog is to portray honesty. 

Especially so that if anyone comes here in search of comfort or someone who can relate to them, they will find hope as well as the reality that there are still hard times. 

I want people to know that it doesn't mean you are weak if you are hurting long after the event took place. 

It means that you are human. 

You aren't supposed to be able to forgo your feelings, otherwise you would never be able to empathize. 

Here it is, 

"It's one of those really painful days. 

Maybe because yesterday was the 4 month mark from when we took our sweet baby off life support. 

Maybe it was the smell of him from his blanket that was sitting in our closet, the journal entries, or the pictures and video that we have with him in his last moments. 

It was as if I was living those tragic and sacred days all over again. 

Sometimes all my spirit needs is to stop pretending like I'm ok and allow myself to feel the heart ache, 

because it is then that I can truly be strengthened and healed. 

It's when I acknowledge that I'm having a hard time, 

that I miss him, 

and that all I know how to do is cry and hope..

it's those times that I can genuinely thank the Lord for loving me enough to hurt me. 

Thank him for helping me become who He needs me to be, and become the mother I hope to be one day. 

Until then, I learn, I hope, I grow, and I continue forward. 

Knowing all along my future is being prepared by Him, and that hopefully I can one day know that I met His high expectations. 

I'm gonna make it through this. I know it."

You can see, I'm still in pain. 

But the degree of pain can't be felt through words alone. 

It's the type of pain that can't be removed by anything or anyone except the Savior himself. 

But maybe that's the beautiful part about it. 

Either way, I know that one thing is certain: 

There is no pain without purpose. 

We need to remember that He's the gardener, He knows what He's doing, and He loves us unconditionally. 

He can perform any miracle.

 Because of that, there is "purpose in all things." 

He will make up for every tear. 

He will heal every scar. 

You are not alone.