My emotions have been all over the place lately.
(If you are new to this page, and have not read my sons story, you can read about it here, and here)
Sometimes I'm happy with my life and grateful for everything, including the good and the bad.
Other times I feel emotionally .. heavy.
Like I'm carrying around an emptiness that actually weighs tons.
And I think, "What's the point?"
I now know what people meant when they told me the pain would never go away completely.
But I never knew that even 6 months later, I'd still feel a stab in the chest when I see his picture.
That I'd still get tears watching video footage of him.
That I'd randomly be walking to class, and just wish someone on the way knew him like I did.
Or just had been through the same thing, so we could talk about it.
These feelings are not always there.
And that's what makes it hard.
Why all of a sudden? I often wonder.
However, I do know what caused the emotion the past few days.
For over a week I have felt major pregnancy symptoms.
I brushed it off.. I knew it was probably just hormones.
Still, I secretly enjoyed the symptoms.
It brought back a reminder of being pregnant with him, and with it the comfort of experiencing a little piece of the past.
I was too terrified to take a pregnancy test.
I knew my heart couldn't handle having another baby right now,
yet I knew I'd be disappointed if the test was negative.
I know it sounds complicated.
I guess dealing with the loss of your baby is a complicated recovery process.
Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.
In fact, Ronald Reagan proclaimed the whole month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month.
This day was dedicated by Robyn Bear, who had 5 miscarriages and had little to no support, because it wasn't something people acknowledged..
Read more about it in the NY times here
Luckily, this is no longer the case. There are great support systems for women have lost children, and some of the best support comes from family, friends, and neighbors.
In honor of that day, I'm working on a post:
"What to say to a woman who has lost a baby"
Not because I'm an expert, but because I would want to know what to say if someone I knew had lost a baby.
And I know what helped me specifically.
A few weeks ago I had emailed one of my prior neighbors, whom I have always admired, and in her reply she mentioned how she had suffered multiple miscarriages. She said something I will never forget:
"You have a good sense of the pain a mother feels at the loss of a child. I've often thought that in the next life, I want to stand with all the mothers who have felt this pain. I would proudly stand next to you there."
To all the mothers out there who have had to say goodbye to their son or daughter in this life, I echo my friends statement:
In the next life, I would proudly stand by you.
Knowing that despite the tremendous heartache, we overcame.
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