Warning: This probably isn't that uplifting. Well the amazing music video at the end is! But this is my place to talk about my heart, which includes both the good feelings and bad, and if you relate, that's amazing. If you want to comment about how much you relate, I probably will want to be best friends. I am not complaining, I'm really just... expressing.

Lastly, if you are sick of hearing about this, I totally understand. I honestly don't blame you in the slightest. I sure wish I was over it too.

What does depression feel like?

I'm legitematly wondering.

I googled it, to see if that's what I was feeling, and it wasn't quite it..

What I found on google was most depressed people feel as if they wish they never existed in the first place.

That would be so difficult to deal with.

I haven't reached that point yet, thank heavens.

If I never existed, I would have never got to meet my son, or laugh with my husband, or know what it's like to run into an old friend.

I'm glad I get to experience these things.

But I have had the toughest time lately.

Why now?

During those couple weeks of constant ultrasounds and praying and hoping, one of the messages I received was from someone who had twins and lost her baby girl to HLHS.

I can't even express how much it helped me to have her reach out to me.

We have exchanged lots of messages since, but something from that first message still stuck out to me:

"After a year, I finally went to therapy."

I remember thinking, a year?

There is no way I will have to do that.

Her situation was different from mine (for certain reasons) so I was sure I wouldn't need that.

Now I totally get what she was saying.

They say time heals all wounds..

I'd say time is a living hell.

But I guess it's all part of the deal.

The 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance.

I don't even know which one I'm at anymore.

I feel angry/lonely/scared a lot.

I'm not angry with God.

He's only given me an opportunity to prove myself, and to be 100% honest, I'm grateful that he trusts me.

Mostly I just feel anger at myself.

Why? I honestly can't even tell you.

Most times I just regret not appreciating certain moments with him more.

Or because I don't think I'm being strong enough.

I still wish things could have turned out differently. I still wish my son didn't have to feel so much pain. I still wish he was here, and I could hold and kiss him whenever I wanted.

I still cry. I still hurt.

More than I think I should.

People tell me how strong I am.

But I'm feeling less and less strong as the days go by.

So I did this really dumb thing, that I'm now regretting.

I thought, "This fall Jon's gonna be busy (he's always gone.. poor guy) , so I'm gonna make myself so busy that I won't have time to be sad or lonely."

17 credits, 7 hours of internship, and 20 hours of work later, and I'm dying.

I've learned, nothing can keep me from feeling things.

If I feel sad, I have to allow myself to feel sad, and not just go about my daily routine just pretending it's not there.

Luckily I'm getting by.

Getting somewhat close to A's.

Jon submitted a story I wrote about our son, and just a few weeks ago I found out I won a scholarship from some pretty amazing people.

That was a really big blessing.