I was originally only going to post about things I'm grateful for lately. But I had a crappy night last night, and I feel the need to be real for a minute. So first, here are some things I hate:
-I hate that instead of being able to kiss my son goodnight, I have to kiss a picture of him through a glass frame that sits on my nightstand.
- I hate that a few months ago I spent hours working on a video project of our son’s birth, a lot of which includes sound bits of Jon talking with the surgeons, and I spent last night watching it all alone and reliving some of those emotions all over again.
- I hate that I’ve wronged someone I’ve never even met, and I don’t know how to fix it.
-I hate that sometimes I can't cry. It's like I've lost touch of my emotions and my body won't let them come to the surface because it's trying to block the pain. Even though I feel like experiencing the pain is what will allow me to heal.
- I hate that my marriage fell apart after I tried for so long to avoid the inevitable, and I hate this limbo period before my divorce is final.
- I hate that sometimes I feel so beyond sorry for myself, and sometimes that makes me feel like I'm not as strong/positive as I should be.
- I hate BYU parking. Like I loathe it.
K now that that's out there, life isn't a total disaster. Despite all of this, I have a ton to be grateful for (#seriouslysoblessed), so here's just a few:
^^ I'm grateful for so many good friends, especially for the amazing Holly who sent me this beautiful print! But honestly my friends are my saving grace, I don't know what I would do without them.
^^I'm grateful for the time I spent at our friends cabin this weekend making treats and visiting with some great people.
^^I'm grateful I'll be in Cali again in just a few weeks.
^^ I'm grateful for this bookmark of mine, and that God has given me ways to find peace through all of this.
^^ I'm grateful for Gus, my sister Ella's, cute hamster. He makes me happy. And he's still alive, the other one died. So, that's a downer.
^^ I'm grateful for yogurt dates with my favs.
I'm grateful my brother Michael (middle) is home and George (right) is doing so well on his mission
^^These twooo
I'm also grateful for counseling, that every time I go my counselor tells me she's proud of me. I don't know why, but it helps for someone to recognize that sometimes, it's hard being me. But then again, I wouldn't trade places with anyone. I like who I've become, and I accept that some of the hard things in my life are because of my own inadequacies. And honestly, I love this life that I have been given. The happy moments are better than ever before.
I know this post sounds extremely self absorbed. But maybe I'm allowed those every once in awhile? And then I promise to care about others more than myself.
Because everyone has their own issues. Each person experiences their own unique griefs and challenges, ones that make them want to give in and not go any further.. And we all need someone to understand that it's hard being us sometimes.
And that's the beauty of it all, we need each other.
