Life has been great recently, partly because I have chosen to make it so. I still experience the daily emotional roller coaster, but I've come to accept that it's all part of loss and mistakes and I have more control over my thoughts than I sometimes believe.
The realization I came to this week, while important, does include a somewhat passive aggressive tone. Or in other words, the whole "REAL friends wouldn't do that" vibe. I do apologize that that's how it sounds, but I'm going to write it anyway.
If I had to pick an overriding negative emotion I've felt recently it would be anger. This is a problem, because feeling angry can stunt the healing process as well cause me to focus all my energy on others who have hurt me as opposed to making the changes and improvements I need to make. In other words, being angry and feeling humble cannot coexist. However, it is important to acknowledge the source of the anger, which is a lot of things. Most recently, however, it stems from finding out lies that were being spread to people I know, some of whom I see daily, surrounding the circumstances of my divorce. It confirmed two things in my mind.
1. I made the right decision to remove people from my life that would so easily try to slander my name in an attempt to make them look less at fault.
2. The best way to live a life filled with mediocrity is to live a life based on the opinion's of others.
This realization didn't come easily. I'm grateful for the initial hurt and anger I experienced, because it helped me reach the point I'm at now.
I sat in my therapist's office last week, and told her my frustration. She's seriously the coolest, and knows every single part of my life and still thinks I'm great, so that's comforting. (Unless that's just part of her job, in which case I'm glad she is good at faking it.)
I told her the lies and how it hurt because I felt like I could easily have gone off on my ex and slandered his name, as he has certainly exhibited the behavior to make that possible. I told her I felt that was inappropriate and I have enough respect to not do something like that, and yet, the same respect isn't being shown. I also mentioned that this is probably just another reason why getting divorced sucks. People pick sides, despite having so little understanding of what actually took place.
She validated everything I said and told me anger is a secondary emotion and I need to recognize and confront the primary emotion it's covering up. She then said that I shouldn't let others behavior dictate my own. In other words "Be the bigger person" was the take away message.
Later that day I was talking to a friend, one that knows everything about me and has been there through it all. After hearing about my counseling session she responded, "Madds I don't think you understand. The people that know you, get it. So when they hear one, extremely biased, side of the story, they know that it's just that, biased. If you knew how many people love and care about you, you wouldn't even think twice about those who so clearly don't. You know the truth, you know how events played out and you know how you were treated. People that know you will know there's far more to the story than what is being shared. And honestly, you have so many people that care about you, don't even give a second thought (she used more colorful vocabulary here, but this blog is rated G) to the one's that don't. They haven't walked your path, and they certainly weren't in your marriage for two years. "
I know she's right, and deep down I know I haven't lost anyone close to me over this. Those that know me either know my side of the story or try to hear my side before placing judgement. The people that don't, aren't worth the frustration anyway.
I finally went through all my social media and phone contacts, and removed the people that in no way have my best interest in mind. And yet as I scrolled through the long list of names, it occurred to me how many do.
I suddenly went from feeling so hurt from the very few people (who interestingly enough know me the very least) that condemn me for my divorce without seeking for a better understanding of my circumstances, to realizing how many do care.
I'm so grateful for the people I've met who are part of my journey here, but mostly I'm grateful for the one's who want to help me through my journey. The one's who have my back and I have there's.
If you're reading this, you're most likely one of them, and I'm grateful for the contribution you've made to my story. That's what life is about isn't it? To spend our time and energy with people that we love and that love us. This life is pretty crappy sometimes, and the only thing that makes it worth living is the people in it.
And maybe with time, bitter feelings can fade and hearts can heal and friendships can be renewed. I guess possibility is what makes the future so hopeful.
Until then, I realize that we are all just walking each other home. And right now, I'll choose to walk with those who care about me.
♥♥♥♥♥♥