That’s how I feel about my life at this point in time.
I had no idea what to expect moving to Salt Lake and starting my new job here. But it’s been better than I ever could have imagined. I’m living with my Aunt and Uncle and their family, they are the coolest and while my new job is challenging, it’s exactly what I needed.
Even the singles ward has been great. Everyone is so friendly and they do something every night so it’s been a great way to meet people.
I’ve also learned a lot about myself, and I’m starting to see that part of why I get so down sometimes is because I constantly believe what I’m doing isn’t good enough. That being divorced, living on my own and not eager to get remarried, that somehow that makes me less of a human being.
But when I’m being totally honest, I can admit that I see so much value in investing time and energy into myself at this point in my life.
It’s not something we talk about very often. But I strongly believe part of our purpose here is to get to know ourselves. It allows us to recognize when our soul is telling us something, intuition is what people call it, and then to follow through. That is how we make decisions that are best for us. Which is vital if we are going to be able to benefit other’s lives in return.
I think we hear a lot about listening to our “instinct”, but often times it’s easy to let other people’s opinions drown out our own. When there is so much uncertainty about the future, it can be tempting to just take others advice to heart and run with it.
The problem is, in turn, we ignore the voice that speaking to us.
The Holy Ghost is real, and I think there’s something more personal to it than we realize. It’s an internal guidance system that knows each of us individually. Perhaps intuition and God's spirit are one in the same.
And in order to truly live a life of purpose and fulfillment, I need to be able to recognize and listen to my “gut” feeling. Deep down, the answers are all there. And if they aren’t immediately apparent, my soul has what it takes to find them.
And sometimes, that means being willing to look places I haven’t looked before. Other times, it means learning to balance others opinions on how I should live vs. recognizing what I feel deep down.
It’s all a balancing act. We need others diverse perspectives and experiences so that we can see things more clearly. But we also need to know ourselves enough to know what is personally best for us.
One thing I appreciate so much is the kind of support I received when I finally opened up to my family about issues within my marriage. I told them of the inner turmoil I was experiencing in trying to figure out if I could keep it up the rest of my life.
When I told them, I was surprised to find out that most already knew there was a problem before I even said anything. They expressed that it hurt them to hear and they validated my feelings and concerns. And then they said what I didn’t even realize I needed most in that moment:
“Unfortunately, we can’t make this decision for you. This is between you and the Lord.”
They weighed the pros and cons with me as well as tried to paint an accurate description of what my life would be like either way, they offered hope when I felt most lost and confused, and they listened as I talked through things over and over.
They assured me they would support me in whatever decision I made, but they never told me what I should do.
While it would have been easy for my family to make the decision for me, for my own sake, it had to be up to me.
And now, 6 months later. I see why.
Now that the aftermath of divorce has taken place and I have moments where I second guess, I don’t ever wonder if I let other’s opinions carry too much weight in those months when I was trying to decide if I should stay or go.
I know that I made the decision solely on my own, the decision that was best for me. And I own that.
And while I get lonely at times and it causes me to wonder what might have been, I don’t wonder if I let other people’s bias’s determine my destiny.
I determine my destiny. And because of that, I see why the gift of agency is invaluable. That this life really is about choosing right over wrong, and when it’s not as black and white as that, it's a matter of choosing what we feel is best deep down.
And even though there have been times when I let my emotions take over and I've ignored the voice within and it's caused me to make the wrong decision, choosing to get divorced wasn't one of those times.
For once I didn’t let emotions nor other’s bias’s determine the direction I took. I spent a lot of time weighing the options and I finally went in the direction I had felt deep down for a very long time, which meant going in that direction alone.
We are more in control of our lives than we realize. And owning our life and accepting responsibility for every decision we make can sometimes be painful.
But it’s all part of the human experience. We are more powerful than we can comprehend and it all stems from our ability to choose.
And when it comes down to this decision, I know it was the right one. I followed my instinct, and I like where it has led me.
♥♥♥♥♥♥