I had the biggest anxiety attack of my life a few nights ago, and it all could have been avoided.
I hate being on bad terms with people. It throws off my vibe. That's part of the reason I don't get offended easily. I find most people good on the inside, and so usually their good intentions are enough.
That was until this weekend.
I was out with a guy i've been seeing. He was cool and cute and for some reason I wasn't feeling it and my instincts are usually right when it comes to this kind of thing but I couldn't explain why so I just thought i'd give it time. As if chemistry is something that can be developed.
Somehow the conversation led to a family member of his that died. We talked about that for awhile. I asked him details about the person, I like hearing about things people care about. We talked about how you never really get over something like that. I told him I had a baby die a couple of years ago.
This is where things took a turn for the worse.
"A baby or a fetus?"
.. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
"My son was 30 weeks along when he was born. It was 2 months before his due date."
"So an oversized fetus?"
I was sure I didn't hear him correctly. "I'm sorry, what?"
"I was just joking it sounds like it wasn't a baby as much as just a big fetus."
Instantly, I was more than fine with never seeing him again.
I didn't ever say anything, I just left and decided it wasn't worth dwelling on. But the next day I started feeling restless. The combination of what he said combined with some conflict that was taking place in few of my close relationships.. I was wishing I had not let everything build up.
The symptoms started taking place. The increased heart rate and shallow breathing. The pressure building up in my chest cavity left me feeling a compete loss of control over what was happening to me.
I was reminded that peace isn't always the absence of conflict, but instead learning how to cope with it. The little pains we experience are messengers and we need to listen to them. Because they will always manifest themselves eventually, in sometimes worse ways.
I think it's okay to get offended occasionally. It means we care. But then it's important to come to terms with what was said. The point isn't to never be upset, the point is to feel upset, confront it, and let it go.
In other words, maybe biting your tongue isn't always the best answer.
♥♥♥♥♥♥