This is an effect of the blood moon i'm sure. Eclipses are known for releasing old energy patterns so there's energy available to create new forms, bringing greater insights and revision.
Part of this "start from scratch" plan included changing up this blog a little. In order to do that, I had to go through past posts to make sure they would be compatible with the new format I wanted.
Which led to me actually having to read posts i'd written 3+ years ago...
This was nothing short of pure horror. I basically cringed the whole time. I think i'm going to end up deleting a lot of them.
There were lots of typed out smiley faces and posts about study nights and new clothes and zoo trips and recipes and holidays and it hit me:
You can read it ALL from this one spot.
From being a married student at BYU to finding out I was pregnant to the birth and death of Jon Gabriel to the grieving process, to getting divorced, and moving on.
It's all right here.
The whole thing just makes me extremely CLAUSTROPHOBIC.
And a little uneasy.
Uneasy, because the only posts where my feelings were real, were the posts about Jon Gabriel and the posts following my divorce.
Everything else was a coping mechanism. Once I was married, it was clear that who I was becoming was so far from who I truly was, and blogging and taking pictures of things and posting about them was distracting and kind of eased the blow a little.
Blogging (prior to Jon Gabriel) allowed me to portray my life as something really pretty and fun and normal, when for the most part I've never felt more alone.
And reading all my past posts from a couple of years ago reminded me of those days when I was on a constant search for inner peace. And unfortunately, my twenty year old mind was convinced that inner peace and pleasing everyone were one in the same.
Which i've learned since, couldn't be further from the truth.
Reading my past posts reminded me of some of the married bloggers that I used to idolize.
I remember one blog in particular posting about how her husband is better than everyone else's because of something he had done for her.
I'm pretty sure the post was literally titled: "My husband is better than yours"
gag.
I don't know why I allowed myself to be so immersed in what was portrayed as other's "perfect lives", as it felt so similar to banging my head against the wall over and over and over.
Maybe that is why this quote spoke to me so much:
"Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are."
If you don't know who Brene Brown is. Google her. ASAP.
It took a lot of turmoil and uncertainty and a shi*load of heartache before I realized the value in being real. There's so much beauty in imperfection. In using our vulnerabilities to connect with those around us.
And by letting our true selves be seen, we give others permission to do the same.
And in the process we learn that imperfect does not mean inadequate. As Brene brown has said, imperfections just remind us that we're all in this together.
And that's the beauty of authenticity. There is no competition.
You're ideal just the way you are.
You're ideal just the way you are.
♥♥♥♥♥♥