I'm leaving soon. Dec 19th soon. I'll be in Belize for a couple of weeks with my aunt and uncle and cousins, and then Annie and I leave on a volunteer trip to Thailand the day after I get back.

I'll be gone for 9 weeks. Which is a long time. It's also not a long time. I'm torn between knowing i'll miss people to knowing I won't want to come back when the time comes.

A lot can happen in 9 weeks.

A few months ago when Annie brought up going to serve in Thailand, I knew with a little help, I could make it work.

There is an energy that comes with leaving. Leaving and returning.

Maybe that's why inspiration is so often found by leaving your home grounds, by switching up your routine.

For that reason, i've decided to put everything on hold and go for awhile.

Because the past few months, I've felt stuck.

Sometimes I feel like i'm in pain for no reason.

Actually, my marriage ended.

That's a good reason.

But here's a side effect of divorce that might seem obvious..

You second guess the hell out of everything.

Not just the divorce itself (you second guess that too for awhile), but every relationship or job or any decision, you lose all confidence in your ability to choose. Choose who to invest time in and who to not and what to reveal and what to not.

It's fair though. When you get married, when you have a kid, when you view the world one way and then it all takes a major 180 within just a short amount of time..

Feeling skeptical is the only thing that feels normal after awhile.

But there's no doubt that's part of being human. Allowing yourself to be in pain but still fighting like hell not to let it harden you. Not to let the dashed hopes and failed expectations and abused trust make you bitter.

And i've felt a little bitter lately, toward the pain i'm still in. Mostly wishing so much that it wasn't there anymore.

That I could say "Yeah I'm totally over it", and mean it.

But that journey toward trying to "be over it" has led me to explore different jobs and hobbies and relationships.

To do things and become things I wouldn't otherwise. Things I'm proud of.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my friend Amanda about it. We work together, and she's become one of my close friends. Amanda is a lot of things, but she's definitely a healer.

Not that anyone else can do that for you. But people can point you in the right direction I think. That's what she does.

On a day that had been particularly bad I told her how I have what feels like leftover emotion that I sort of carry around with me and it stresses me out.

I told her I was having a hard time getting rid of it. That I felt stuck.

She understood. She takes on unwanted emotions too sometimes. She has anxiety attacks over it sometimes too. She knows.

She talked about how what is happening on the outside is a direct reflection of what is going on inside us. That people we meet can bring out the things that have been left unhealed.

She said people are messengers in disguise. Messengers that tell you what work you have left to do. Where you still need to nurture yourself.

It was at that moment that the pain i'm wishing would go away went from being the problem, to the solution. The solution toward everything I want, which is to feel whole again. So that I can help other people feel whole.

"Maddie, you know what I think?" she asked.

"What?"

"Your life is about to get, really, really good. Let it."

And the more my life unfolds, the more I realize, she's right.

To my friends who have experienced divorce, to the ones who know the empty darkness and bitter loneliness that follows you constantly from the moment your marriage ends,

it gets better.

It really, really does.

But first it's gonna be hell. And you're gonna feel crazy.

Because you are.

It's crazy to take a step away from comfort and familiarity (despite how much hurt and unhappiness come with it), and toward growth.

Toward pain.

Toward the unknown.

It's crazy to make a choice that sets you apart from the majority and makes you apart of a minority.

But i'll tell you what, you're the good kind of crazy.

And I promise you, it will get better.

And until it does, don't stay home alone every night.

Reach out. Message me, message someone.

I don't know how helpful I can be from the other side of the world, but i'll sure try.

No matter what, you have people that love you and people that care.

Speaking of that.

Thank you to my parents for their help in making the Thailand trip a reality.

Also thank you to my Aunt and Uncle for inviting me to Belize with them.

And you guys, thanks so much for all of you who let me take your pics!

Oh my.

It's been so fun. Fun doesn't describe it. Soon i'll write a blog post to describe it. All the stunning people. All the new friends.

Thanks for letting me step into your lives for a little bit.

It changed mine for the better.

♥♥♥♥♥♥