First off, I'm so grateful for your support after I finally updated my blog about the situation. While I feel like being honest about what's going on is vital to my eventual healing, the connection I've made with so many is just as much if not more beneficial. I have so much to learn from so many of you, whether you've been down the same path or not.
Life has been interesting lately. The happy moments I have are happier than I've had in a long, long time.
However, I went through a month long phase after we finally split up, where I second guessed everything. All it took was a song, an event, or driving by a certain place, where suddenly I'd feel this heaviness and it was like my chest was open and vulnerable to every negative feeling the world had to shoot at me.
And then the storm of thoughts would come, showing no mercy.
"Did I give it my all? "
"Was there something else I could have done?"
"Maybe I'm not worth it."
"What if that relationship, no matter how unhealthy, was as good as it gets?"
To me, second guessing is just a form of self inflicted pain. And yet, it's a natural response to experiencing a loss as big as this one. Maybe I'd be abnormal if I didn't second guess sometimes, I dunno.
But I can honestly say that period has pretty much passed. Now that I've made it past the traumatizing parts like moving out, moving back in by myself, attending a home ward by myself, going back to school on my own and being completely alone, it has been reaffirmed to me once again that this direction is the right one.
And so I've tried to stay productive and take advantage of this time to work on myself. Some things I've been doing:
+ Sold a ton of our old stuff at my parents yard sale, and online (this was more emotional then I anticipated)
+ Started my last semester at BYU (this was more lonely than I anticipated)
+ Currently starting a divorce support group at BYU (This will hopefully help with the loneliness)
+ Blew way too much money on new clothes (I don't regret this)
+ Currently incorporating some stress management into my daily routine (Meditation, yoga, sleep relaxation, and self hypnosis are a few)
+ Been watching way too many episodes of Grey's Anatomy (not the best show to watch when you are emotionally unstable)
+ Reading The Happiness Hypothesis (I would highly recommend)
+ Continuing my own personal journal (This has been my saving grace through it all)
+Trying not to feel so incredibly sorry for myself (Doing an act of kindness everyday has helped with this)
All in all, I feel good with where I'm at. I feel hopeful that eventually the pain will ease and the future will be bright. Until then, I'll just be taking it one day at a time.
Also if you ever want to hang out, I've got all sorts of time:)
♥♥♥♥♥♥