I want to say the reason I haven't updated in so long is because of how busy life has been lately, but that's not entirely true because there has been a lot of times where my schoolwork has taken a back seat to blogging. The reality is that the past few weeks have been more difficult than I ever could have imagined. One thing that has really helped me stay grounded and has honestly been my saving grace is writing in my journal consistently. One of the major benefits of keeping track of my own personal history is it allows me to see things as as they really are.
I believe the adversary, and the darkness within each of us, tries to skew our perception of reality. When we are trying to determine why our circumstances are the way they are, it can lead us to feel an unnecessary amount of shame and guilt, which causes us to put all the blame on ourselves. Or, the other extreme, our feelings of pride and arrogance keep us from seeing the part we played and the wrong we've done. Either way, having a skewed reality keeps us from seeing our weakness's and our strengths, which causes us to place the blame solely on others, or accept all the blame ourselves.
Being able to go back and read my journal during the times when my marriage was coming to a close, allows me to not remember things as better than they were, which means I won't spend my current days missing a reality that never actually existed. In other words, I won't spend my days missing the idea of what I wanted my marriage to be like rather than the reality of what it was.
On the contrary, being able to write out my thoughts in the current situation I'm in has allowed me to see where I went wrong. I can see how wrong choices I've made have played a part in leading me to the circumstance I'm in now. Accepting accountability for where I am currently allows me to to see that with tremendous help from Christ Himself, I can get to where I need to be. After all, we aren't victims of circumstance, rather, creators of it.
Because I keep this blog as a record of my own personal journey, I am going to share an excerpt I wrote recently in my own journal that will help me remember, no matter how badly I want to forget, this point in my life:
Dear Journal,
"The past few weeks have been beyond difficult. I've experienced a depression that is deeper and darker than I could have ever imagined. Part of the reason is self inflicted. I see that past choices I've made have hindered my progress and caused unnecessary damage to those around me. The feelings of regret as I look back at the past, along with the longing that maybe somehow my life could have been different, has caused me to feel more hopeless than ever before.
And yet, I see what I've been taught my whole life, that there is an existing force outside of myself that will do anything to lead me down a path of misery and despair. Because of this, I see that there is an opposite force of equal power, that knows the way to true, everlasting joy and fulfillment. I see that I'm not a victim to either one, because I have the ability to choose which one I'll respond to and which one I'll allow to have the greatest influence over me.
I am grateful that the fog that seemed to be keeping me from seeing things as they really are has been removed, and I can see my past as well as my current reality more clearly than ever before.
It's frightening and empowering all at once. No matter how much it stings to see the reality of how my life has played out, and to accept my part in it, it helps me better choose to be guided by the light instead of the darkness. I know that He knows and understands better than anyone, because He can see every part.
And even though this phase of my life is so much darker and more difficult than I could have ever imagined it would be, both because of my own choices and the choices of others, I am so grateful for so many people in my life who have loved me despite my imperfections, even though they can't understand what I'm feeling because they haven't walked my path.
Luckily there is one who has felt what I've felt. And even though there have been times when I've been bitter and hurting that I've shut Him out, He has never given up on me. Somehow He still sees value in me, even when I can't see it in myself.
And as I look back on my own mistakes with regret and heartache, I wonder what my son would think, or does think, seeing as I know he has been there even in my darkest moments. I mentioned this to a friend the other day, I mentioned how much shame and heartache I felt knowing my son could see my imperfections.
"What does he think of me, what does he think knowing the wrongs I've done?"
Her response: "Your son? You mean the one who is living in the presence of Christ himself? Who can touch the holes in His hands and feet, and can see all things from the beginning? He is not ashamed of you, he is rootingfor you to develop a relationship with the Savior and make it home. There's no one on this earth he wants to see more, and he will be there for you every step of the way. Through the light and the darkness. He's seen both the wrongs and the rights, and he will love you through it all."
And how grateful I am that though I've wavered from the path, I can choose today to do all in my power to become the person Christ needs me to be.
And that alone won't be enough. But the beautiful part is that He will make it enough. He gave everything so that when darkness seems to be all that I can see, I am able to find my way back to Him again. How can I not cling to that? He's my way home, and there's someone there waiting for me."
And even though this phase of my life is so much darker and more difficult than I could have ever imagined it would be, both because of my own choices and the choices of others, I am so grateful for so many people in my life who have loved me despite my imperfections, even though they can't understand what I'm feeling because they haven't walked my path.
Luckily there is one who has felt what I've felt. And even though there have been times when I've been bitter and hurting that I've shut Him out, He has never given up on me. Somehow He still sees value in me, even when I can't see it in myself.
And as I look back on my own mistakes with regret and heartache, I wonder what my son would think, or does think, seeing as I know he has been there even in my darkest moments. I mentioned this to a friend the other day, I mentioned how much shame and heartache I felt knowing my son could see my imperfections.
"What does he think of me, what does he think knowing the wrongs I've done?"
Her response: "Your son? You mean the one who is living in the presence of Christ himself? Who can touch the holes in His hands and feet, and can see all things from the beginning? He is not ashamed of you, he is rootingfor you to develop a relationship with the Savior and make it home. There's no one on this earth he wants to see more, and he will be there for you every step of the way. Through the light and the darkness. He's seen both the wrongs and the rights, and he will love you through it all."
And how grateful I am that though I've wavered from the path, I can choose today to do all in my power to become the person Christ needs me to be.
And that alone won't be enough. But the beautiful part is that He will make it enough. He gave everything so that when darkness seems to be all that I can see, I am able to find my way back to Him again. How can I not cling to that? He's my way home, and there's someone there waiting for me."
♥♥♥♥♥♥