Black Friday shoppin with the fam^^
Thanksgiving day with this cute little turkey^^
If at any point I had forgotten that I'm still grieving the loss of my marriage and mending a broken heart from losing that 2 and a half year relationship, the holidays don't fail to remind me.
Just like when I lost my son, I had to confront and then learn to endure each major event that would remind me of the point I was at the year before, that point when I was pregnant with him and when I was completely oblivious to the tremendous trials that lay ahead. I remember Thanksgiving 2012 was when we found out we were 6 weeks pregnant. That following Christmas we told our families the exciting news, and it was painful to remember those moments a year later, knowing my arms were empty and instead I was left with only memories of my baby.
I think anyone who knows what it's like to lose a baby would agree that the holidays following their death are the hardest. Now add being single again, knowing the little family I used to have no longer exists, and it's as if the holes in my heart will always be there. Because, even though I made a choice to get divorced, a choice I don't regret and one that I feel strongly was the best path to take, it still hurts sometimes like it was just yesterday.
This time of year is all about family, relationships, showing our love for those around us and receiving it in return. November and December give us opportunities to reflect on all we have to be grateful for and the memories we've experienced with those we love in the years prior. Maybe that's why more social gatherings happen in these two months alone than nearly all the other months combined. On top of that, it's my birthday in a couple of days. All of these events I've usually spent being married, I'm back to experiencing on my own.
It's really weird going through all these events as a single person, for the first time in 3 years. Except this time, I'm not the same girl I was before I met him. I'm a completely new individual, so this path is a whole new territory. I can't go back to the single person I was before I was married, as I've outgrown her. That person I was disappeared somewhere in the two years of marriage. Somewhere between all the sacrifices that were made, there was a point where choosing to stay married came at much too high a cost, a cost that shouldn't have to be paid. On top of that, I brought a child into the world only to have to take him off life support a few days later. It's impossible to go through experiences like these and stay the same person. It's just a matter of now putting the pieces back together and figuring out once again who I am and my purpose here.
Because I know for a fact that I'm no longer the naive, happy go lucky, 20 year old I was when I got married. And I'm grateful for that. I like who I've become, and even though I am less than proud of certain parts of myself, I see a major benefits to the trials I've experienced.
This doesn't mean I don't have moments of bitterness. Moments when I can't believe I wasn't worth fighting for; moments when I hate that I gave 2 years of my best self. Then I find comfort in the fact that I've accepted part of the responsibility, I've recognized the need to seek counseling to heal from losing my child and to fix parts of myself so that I can become the best future spouse and partner I can be. I'm doing what it takes to improve myself, and I'm not perfect at it, but it means that I've at least admitted to having a problem.
In the process, I allow myself to feel everything. I don't let myself bury things, and I recognize that when I start to feel numb is when I know I'm in trouble. Sometimes that means living with an aching pain in my chest for hours at a time. Other times it means questioning my own self worth and wondering if I'll ever be worth the effort, if I'll ever end up in a healthy relationship, one that isn't so damn difficult all the time and where loving isn't so complicated.
But I accept the heavy feelings, because at least it means I'm feeling everything. The sting means I'm a step closer to healing, and I know that in order to fully overcome each part I have to feel it, all of it. And feeling it reminds me that I'm human and I'm alive and I'm trying. So even though it is really discouraging at times and I wonder if it will ever go away, I embrace it. Because I know it's only temporary, and when it finally does go away, when the pain is gone for awhile and the fog is removed and I can finally see things clearly again I realize,
I'm going to make it. I'm going to be just fine.
♥♥♥♥♥♥