Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes! It was better than I ever would have expected! I remember talking to my friend the day before about how I'd almost rather just skip the major holidays and my birthday this year, as I don't want to be reminded I'm celebrating it on my own.
But then my birthday came and went and it was the best birthday I've had in longer than I can even remember. Somehow all the love I felt from so many people just healed my heart for a whole day. I didn't feel sad or lonely even once, and I felt this renewed feeling of hope, like I was being given a fresh start.
I feel like year 23 is going to be a special one. Like maybe the trials of my 22nd year are going to be what makes the 23rd year even more wonderful.
I watched this video today:
Lately I've struggled with knowing how exactly I can use the atonement to heal my heart. Sometimes it seems that scripture study and prayer, while essential to bringing me daily peace, can only heal my heart to a certain extent. There seems to be a little more of a gap that exists, and I've struggled with knowing exactly how the atonement can bridge that gap and heal me personally.
After my 23rd birthday, I understood the answer.
As God's children we can play an active role in helping people utilize Christ's atonement. The love and support I felt from so many, filled that part of my soul that seemed to be incurable no matter what I tried.
The acts of kindness from so many taught me that we are literally Christ's hands in helping those around us. That being loved, and loving in return allows the healing effect of Christ's incredible gift to manifest itself.
There are times when I am the most self absorbed person; times when I spend more energy feeling sorry for myself because of what has taken place in my journey, rather then figuring out how I can make someone else's journey a little easier.
My friend gave me an article to read the other day titled "How do I love thee?" In it, Elder Holland talks about how Christ was the only one who loved perfectly, and even though we fall short, it is by striving to reach that standard that we strengthen those around us and in turn begin to heal ourselves.
My favorite quote:
"And as we speak of this, may I remind you, as Mormon explicitly taught, that this love, this ability, capacity, and reciprocation we all so want, is a gift. It is “bestowed”—that is Mormon’s word. It doesn’t come without effort and it doesn’t come without patience, but, like salvation itself, in the end it is a gift, given by God to the “true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ.” The solutions to life’s problems are always gospel solutions. Not only are answers found in Christ, but so is the power, the gift, the bestowal, the miracle of giving and receiving those answers. In this matter of love, no doctrine could be more encouraging to us than that."
I see looking back during the course of my marriage, especially those last few months, that I really struggled after trying so hard to love, only to have nothing to show for it. Despite the fact that I was trying in every way I knew how, things were only getting worse.
After I reached that instance where I felt I had literally given all the love and patience my heart had to give, my imperfect human tendencies kicked in and I thought "What's the point?"
I felt so much bitterness toward the people in their own healthy relationships telling me I needed to stay in mine, with little thought about my own personal well being. I felt bitterness toward God, feeling like somehow He had abandoned me after I not only endured, but I endured well.
I remember one night in particular telling God that I would continue to seek revelation on the matter, but if He didn't stop me, I was eventually going to let go. I kept my side of the bargain and did everything I knew how. I searched the scriptures more fervently than I ever had. I sought direction by writing out my feelings in my journal, attending the temple, and counseling with my bishop.
Though I was frustrated and hurting in a way I didn't know was possible, I wanted to be sure I had given my all. And somewhere in the process of doing all I could and seeing things not only remain unchanged but actually get worse, I reached a point of no return. I remember the very day it happened. Remembering that day, brings a lot of clarity.
I was done, and he made it clear he was too. Soon after, I left on a trip to California with my family by myself. I came back, he had packed up the house and moved out, and I started a new life on my own.
And for weeks I felt nothing but bitterness it seemed. It caused me to do things I regret and it caused me to suffer an unnecessary amount of heartache, on top of what was already heartache.
But somehow I found myself again. Somehow the Lord never gave up on me, and ever since I've come to understand that the Lord was there all along. That He cares about me being happy, and that His love for me is enough.
And so, here's to a 23rd year of trying once again to put aside the hurt and learn to love the people in my life in every way I know how. Here's to another December of remembering what the real meaning of Christmas is all about. Here's to another year of striving to look outside myself and see people through Christ's eyes. And here's to another year of falling short.
But even though I will fall short, it will be another year of improvement. Another year of growth and experience, of being shaped into the person He needs me to be.
Because the point isn't whether or not I've stumbled. He knew I would be given some tough circumstances, and He knew I would give up for a time being. But the point is that I try again. That when the time comes I learn to trust once again and give someone else a chance, that I allow my experiences to make me even kinder to those around me and I let it open my heart instead of close it.
Here's to another year of being human. And because of Him, because of the gift, that might not be so bad after all.
♥♥♥♥♥♥