(Pics I took in California ft. Ella and Annie ^)
For some reason my emotions have been all over the place this week. My cousin Abigail mentioned that the moon has been more full lately, which tends to bring out deep rooted emotions. I googled it and found an article titled "the spiritual effects of a full moon". It verified that the moon frequencies have the capacity to make the frequencies from the impressions in our sub-conscious mind surface to the conscious mind, making us more aware of our thoughts and feelings.
That might explain why i’ve had a hard time controlling my emotions the past few days. While I generally try and not bury emotions, its impossible not to at times. A typical work day requires that I be on my A game for sometimes 12 hours straight, and that doesn’t leave a lot of time for confronting feelings. I work for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, a non profit dedicated to raising funds toward blood cancer research. We work with schools all over Utah and Southern Nevada, and sometimes hearing stories about people getting cancer leaves me feeling unsettled at the end of the day. My Aunt Sue, one of my very favorites, is battling cancer at the moment also. Life can be so brutal. It’s no wonder we have to cry it out at times just to make it through each day.
For me, this happened the other night when I was watching Grey’s Anatomy (which is right in between being the worst idea ever when you’re on an emotional roller coaster and also being an amazing outlet for those emotions). Two of the doctors on there are married (Jackson and April) and find out they're pregnant. They’ve already been through so much as a couple that it’s straight up adorable watching them find out they’re going to have a baby.
But into the pregnancy they find out their baby has type 2 Fibromyalgia, meaning his bones (it’s a boy) are literally breaking inside the womb. She is only 24 weeks along, and determined to go full term even though in the best case scenario the baby will live only a few hours. It is then that her doctor describes how much pain her baby is experiencing. The doctor gives her the options, and April goes through a back and forth battle between deciding the best course of action, knowing deep down she needs deliver immediately so the baby can pass away and no longer be in pain.
But into the pregnancy they find out their baby has type 2 Fibromyalgia, meaning his bones (it’s a boy) are literally breaking inside the womb. She is only 24 weeks along, and determined to go full term even though in the best case scenario the baby will live only a few hours. It is then that her doctor describes how much pain her baby is experiencing. The doctor gives her the options, and April goes through a back and forth battle between deciding the best course of action, knowing deep down she needs deliver immediately so the baby can pass away and no longer be in pain.
Her mother in law, who April isn’t very close with, for the first time comes to April’s aid and empathizes with what April is experiencing. She kneels by April’s chair and grabs her hands. It’s then that April bursts into tears and cries, “I have no idea how i’m supposed to do what I know I have to do..”
That’s about the point that I lost it.
Seeing someone else act out that scenario, the one where you're torn between wanting your child more than anything and knowing it's not possible, it opened the door all over again. And when that happens, it hurts as much as it did on May 7th, the day we removed his life support, and the pain seems to show no mercy.
It isn’t the death itself that is so painful, as it is being forced to accept it. It’s impossible to ever feel ready for someone you love, especially your child, to leave this life without you. Suddenly they are gone and life continues to move on, at the same alarming speed, and all you have left is memories. It’s no wonder acceptance can leave you feeling totally helpless and defeated.
So you hurt. You hurt a little everyday, but most days you're better at not thinking about it. Because thinking about it makes you feel like something sharp is poking at your heart over and over. It’s not a good feeling, so you try not to let your thoughts wander too much.
But then there’s those rare occasions when you allow yourself to think about it. All of it. And the "what might have beens” are suffocating. And you don't know what hurts more, the pain of what actually took place or the ache of what never will. It’s exhausting really, wishing for something so much.
Eventually the tears stopped and I was totally worn out. It’s then that I knew I needed to step out of the darkness and call someone. I called my cousin Abigail. I told her how crazy I am and we laughed pretty hard. She told me about the moon theory and about how crazy she's felt in the past. She gets me. After we hung up I noticed that I felt better, move alive, than I've felt in a long time.
And suddenly, my thoughts shift toward my own life. I will not be around forever. Who knows what could happen tomorrow, or the next day. All at once, the acceptance I had to feel over my son’s death, turns into an acceptance of my life.
Suddenly my own morality becomes a friend, a teacher, rather than the enemy. Every moment becomes perfect just as it is.
It’s amazing how once you accept that you won't be here forever, the focus shifts from the love you've lost, to finding the love and the hope you still have, and holding onto it like hell.
It’s amazing how once you accept that you won't be here forever, the focus shifts from the love you've lost, to finding the love and the hope you still have, and holding onto it like hell.
This allows the questions to arise: “If today were the last day of my life, how would I treat myself and others?"
"What conversations would I have that i’ve been putting off?”
"What would I choose to enjoy today?”
And the truth is more clear than ever before: each new day is a gift beyond measure. Learning to embrace that truth and accepting both the joy and sorrow of each day, that’s what it means to live life to the fullest. What an exciting, awful, beautiful journey that is.
♥♥♥♥♥♥