It was 3:45 this morning when I woke up and remembered last night.
Shame. Anxiety fueled by a feeling of inadequacy I could not shake.
A variety of circumstances left me feeling the weight of everything I am and everything I am not.
So much I can’t control. Other people’s pain. Feelings of disempowerment. Of otherness. I was making it about me in order to cope, and then feeling ashamed that I couldn’t compartmentalize. It became an endless hole of negativity that didn’t want to be put in its place.
Then there's my work. So much I have to do. To create. To be in order to feel like i’m at the level that is respectable by my own standards.
So much becoming left to do.
I let it all overwhelm me to the point where I hurt myself in the process.
Then I got overwhelmed by that so I fell asleep.
3:45 AM. I am awake.
I get up.
I refuse to check my phone.
I turn the light on. I sit in front of the mirror. A part of me is begging to be affirmed, and so I listen. I speak affirmations. The physical manifestation of my voice wakes me up. I am here. I take time to acknowledge. Acknowledge the light I do have. Affirm the power that I have rather then the power I lack.
I feel mindful as opposed to having a mind that is full.
It’s time to work. I go through the list of what I need to do.
But first, coffee.
I go upstairs. There’s left over residue from the rainstorm coming through the open window. The overcast light of the early morning is glowing over the kitchen slightly. It looks like something I want to remember.
This is where I live.
I almost dismiss the need to create. Too much to do, too little time. But I remember there will always be too little time, and finding inspiration in everyday living has become more of a survival mechanism than a simple luxury.
I grab my camera. It doesn’t take long to capture a few details I want to remember. When you are only creating for yourself, and not for another eye, the process is a lot more painless.
I get started with my tasks, feeling fueled by focus and intention I was missing the night before. Life doesn’t feel as overwhelming as it did.
And so it goes, another day of purpose finding. Of navigating through the hoard of shit that is everything telling me what I should and should not care about, what I should and should not be.
But today, it doesn’t get the best of me.
I don’t have time to feel crushed by at the weight of it all. I have work to do.