In 2nd grade, I loved almost everything about school. Everything except a girl, we'll call her Gladice. Gladice was a bully.
Gladice was loud and obnoxious and scary. She'd make fun of me in front of the other kids. Nearly everyday, she would cut me in line and pull my hair and step on my shoes. I really didn't like her.
Then I remember one day, during recess, she pushed me on the ground and she got really close so I could see every detail on her face. For some reason in that moment, I felt sorry for her. Seeing her like that. It's hard to hate a person once you see enough details about them. Unfortunately, we tend to withdraw from details. When people ask "how are you?" we say "fine". Details can be uncomfortable.
But sometimes, even when we're not looking, the details reveal themselves. It was soon after that I learned she came from a poor home and her dad abused her.
At seven years old, I learned there's always more to the story.
And now when I see my Facebook feed filled with articles about bullying, I'm glad to see the discussion is started on how we can help protect kids from bullies.
But I think in our search for answer we are missing a major point:
Kids aren't the problem.
Adults are the problem.
Kids don't act how we ask them to act at church or school. They act how they see us act. They want to be like the grown ups. They just aren't as tactful about it.
The most bullied kids today are the ones that look different and talk different and maybe come from a country or background we don't understand. And I bet it's safe to say those same type of adults, are the ones that feel the most bullied also.
If you subconsciously (which always ends up becoming conscious) reject people that look or think or act different from you, if you view these people as a threat, your kids will learn to fear those that are different from them.
And people hurt what they fear.
The good news is, that while we are the problem, we're also the solution. If we want kids to be kinder, the answer starts with us.
Today, October 15th, is the day dedicated to breaking the silence behind pregnancy and infant loss. On this day, in honor of Jon Gabriel, I want to commit to being less of the problem. Because today if I'm asking to be understood, I want to do my part to understand.
So I wrote a letter. A letter of what I would tell Jon Gabriel if he was here, right in front of me, listening.
It's a letter committed to change. And change starts with me.
Jon Gabriel,
Today, our world honors one of the most precious days. The day where there is awareness raised toward the mothers and fathers who have had to give their babies back. This is a special day, baby boy. It's the day the world decided that even though infant death and grief and details are scary and uncomfortable and a little daunting at times, it will no longer back away in discomfort and fear. Instead it has decided to say, "I'm here. And even though what you have to share might make me a little uncomfortable and I might not be able to understand, I can certainly try." And suddenly all the parents out there, the ones who have suffered the heartache of having one of their precious babies die too soon, they become recognized. And sometimes, that's all it takes for someone to find their voice and start to use it.
And you'll never believe the beautiful things that can happen when people use their voice and share their truth with others, baby. So while the world might not understand how painful pregnancy and infant loss is on a mother, on a parent, the world is trying. And that's all we can ask for, really. Trying will always be enough.
Today I unite with parents of angel babies all around the world. These are pretty special people. I've had the privilege of meeting some of them, and I get to spend the rest of my life meeting more. I'm lucky.
And tonight, we'll light candles and remind the world that you and many other angel babies exist. And just like the burning candle, my love for you continues to burn. Except unlike that candle, my love for you will never die.
But I have a confession to make. I didn't understand love until you came into the world. What I first learned about love came from Disney movies and romantic comedies. I thought love was what you felt when a cute boy with long eyelashes would sit by you at lunch and compliment your hair. As I got older I understood love as being willing to sacrifice for the people that you care about. And now, love is so much more than all of that.
Because love isn't the pretty, glorified, happily ever after, we are often led to believe. Love is connection. And connection can be painful. Because in order for connection to exist, there has to be empathy. And empathy requires taking a step out of your world and into another. Can you think of anything scarier and more exhilarating than that? It takes courage to set aside everything you think you know, and listen to the person in front of you. In other words empathy means getting your hands dirty. And sometimes, the thought of that makes people too uncomfortable. That's why you won't feel connected to everyone you meet. That's okay. Not everyone is meant to jive with you.
You see, i've learned we don't love people because we feel connected with them, we love them because we are connected to them. We admire people that we feel connected to. But we love people because they are apart of us. We are all apart of each other. When we reject those that are different, we reject a part of ourselves. And the more time we spend denying that, the more we fear those around us and criticize those that view things differently than we do, the less connected we'll feel.
It took me 23 years to learn that humanity is connected on a level not easily understood. Christ made it clear He knew this when He said "what you do unto others, you do unto me". He understood that we are all an extension of one source, of love itself, which is God.
And i've learned that just like you get closer to people by getting to know their kids, God is no different. You want to feel closer to God? You do so through the hearts of His children.
And just like there are parts of me in you, Jon Gabriel, there are parts of God in each of us. And a life dedicated to love is a life dedicated to finding God in each person.
I feel sad when I think of all the opportunities I missed to do that, the times when I felt like I was somehow better than other people because of the way I viewed the world. Those times when I talked about being tolerant but not too tolerant. I feel sad for the times when it felt safer to put people into categories rather than try and understand them as individuals.
But that's the beautiful part about being human. We do the best we can until we know better. And then once we know better, we do better.
I know better now, baby. I'm not perfect at it. Sometimes I judge judgey people. But even the judgey ones need love and understanding. People do what they do for a lot of reasons. It's best not to judge.
And Gladice, the girl that bullied other kids and was always out to hurt. She wasn't out to hurt because she was evil. She was out to hurt because she was hurting. She needed love. As one of my favorite authors, Glennon Melton, has said "Sometimes the people that need help look a lot like the people that don't need help." I wish I understood that back then.
Because of you Jon Gabriel, I got a glimpse of love i've never known before. And sometimes I feel a hole in my heart that's exactly the size and shape of your little body. And a lot of times it hurts like hell. But the love that flows from that, the love that comes from the hearts of all mothers and fathers who have had to grieve the loss of their littles, it has more power to change the world than anything i've ever known.
So today, today is the day I allow my grief to make me more loving. More understanding. More capable of choosing not to weep over Christ being crucified thousands of years ago, and instead weep over the fact that he is still being crucified today. He is being crucified in every person that is feeling outcast, alone, and misunderstood.
Today i'm committed to seeking those people out. The Gladice's of the world, they need us. They need to know how much they matter. Can you imagine if they knew?
Can you imagine?
Love,
Mom
♥♥♥♥♥♥
P.S. Thanks for reading.