If you follow my instagram, you'd have seen a million pictures from the family reunion we had with my Mom's side of the family a few weeks ago. Above is a short video I put together, how cute are all my cousins? *heart eyes*
Lately
Worthiness
I just recently returned from a week in Cali with my family (stay tuned for more pictures later). I know this sounds crazy, but one of my favorite parts about family vacations is getting to sleep in the same room as my siblings again;) I miss being under the same roof and being around for the day to day things such as getting ready in the morning and the quiet conversation before bed at night. I’ll never live under the same roof as them again, so I try and appreciate it on vacations when I get to be with them for long periods of time.
It makes me sad how quickly they are all growing up. My little sister Ella will be going into 9th grade this year and it makes me feel so old. Isabella Josephine Piper Beeton is her full name, how cute is that? I will always remember her as the happy little toddler running around with one pigtail always halfway undone. She’s only gotten cuter as the years have gone on and she pretty much skipped the awkward stage most of us have to endure. I remember at her surprise party last year I'm pretty sure a million kids showed up, and that wasn’t even all of her friends! The thing about Ella is she is so beautiful for her age, but she has the biggest heart of anyone I know. She is so nice to everyone, and she is constantly making all of us laugh. On top of that, she cares about making sure everyone feels included and she already possesses an amount of empathy that takes most people years to accumulate. Like all my other siblings, she's amazing.
The things is, she doesn’t see it.
Ella isn’t dramatic, so whenever there is drama you can see it in her face and pretty much feel the inner turmoil she's experiencing.
Junior high is brutal. Kids can be so nasty. Especially girls.
One of the nights of our beach trip, it all came to a head. I was sleeping in the room with all three of my sisters, when suddenly Ella sat up and burst into tears.
“What do I do? They are so mean!”
Annie and I immediately got up and sat on the side of her bed. Ella explained, through sobs, the story. The people she thought cared about her the most were saying things that immature, self absorbed, kids say. But it doesn’t make them any less hurtful.
I had seen my sister cry before, but never like this.
I knew her child-like innocence was slowly beginning to disappear. It sucks when you have to learn the hard way that the people that you think will always be there for you, are sometimes the quickest to let you down. And being in middle school with a bunch of insecure kids that are trying to navigate the world when they don’t even fully understand what it is their feeling most of the time..
No wonder adolescence is so brutal.
My heart broke. I was fighting the urge to take her phone and respond to them MYSELF, but I knew for her sake, I couldn’t, and I felt totally helpless. Annie and I reminded her once again how much better off she is without these friends, and that she needs to find people in her life that deserve her attention, as there are so many people that would value her so much more.
Of course, nothing we said helped. She is as near perfect as they come at her age, and there’s nothing we could do to help her see it.
Annie, who is now 18, also knew deep down that sadly, Ella has to experience this.
It’s all apart of growing up and finding your place in the world. Learning to find those people that will help you be your best self, and when they don’t, learning to walk away even when it sucks. Sometimes the most difficult part is loving and respecting yourself enough to walk away.
Adolescent or not, the truth is, that’s the reason we're all here. To learn to love ourselves and in turn, others. A lot of us, like Ella, are quick to notice other people’s beautiful qualities and unable to recognize our own. But we only hurt those around us when we are unable to love ourselves. It can be the hardest thing to do, but confronting our insecurities and learning to see ourselves in a positive light is the only way we are able to love others fully.
That’s the hard truth, the truth none of us want to accept, but that we all know is true deep down:
We can only love those around us as much as we love ourselves.
You can’t despise parts of yourself, and still love others more. It’s not possible.
We do ourselves, and in turn those around us, a disservice when we see ourselves as anything less than worthy.
The truth is, we are all worthy. In this moment, NO MATTER WHAT: you're worthy. Worthy of love. Worthy of friendship, the best kind. The kind that says I’ll be there for you even when you’re at your lowest, and I know I can count on you to be there for me. And if you’re unable to be there for me, but you apologize and try to make it right, i’ll forgive you because you mean that much to me.
You are worthy in this moment. Why? Because you are a human being created in the highest image. You are created in HIS image. The one who is creation itself. Being human is painful about 90% of the time, and yet here you are! You’re trying. Even though it sucks and it’s pretty damn lonely most of the time, you are trying. And that’s pretty amazing.
So even though Ella can’t see it now, one day I hope she will. And I hope YOU see it in yourself.
I hope you know how beautiful you are, and even if you don’t see it, I hope you’ll trust the people that do. All the little traumas you’ve experienced from the time you were a small human, those things that may have impacted the decisions you made and caused you to “screw up” at times.. They make up who you are, and in no way do they subtract from your worthiness. Nothing can do that. You are always loved. And you are always worth it.
This is something I feel very strongly about, as I know how damaging it can be to make people feel otherwise. However, I know whenever this is talked about red flags are triggered in people's minds: "But wait, if people think they are always worthy, they won't see the need to humble themselves and change their ways!"
To that I say, you're underestimating people.
People that love themselves, not in an arrogant way, but in an all encompassing understanding way, are far more capable of showing that to others.
In other words, loving yourself allows you to pursue your best self.
In what way is that not a journey of improvement?
The God I believe in wants us to be humble because that is the only way for us to learn and for our souls to expand. But He would not applaud making people feel like they aren't enough.
Trying to make people feel like they need to do this or that in order to be worthy..
That's not helping the problem. It's creating it.
It's amazing the kind of change that can take place when you choose to not be hard on yourself, and in turn are able to show that same understanding toward others.
Just like it broke my heart for Ella to see herself as anything less than amazing, I believe God feels even more that way toward us.
So do me a favor and take your power back today by accepting that fact about yourself: you're enough, even when it feels like you're not. You are.
Accepting this everyday, well, that’s what we call self love. It’s a life long journey, but it’s one worth taking.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
My Brother is Engaged :')
Walking the Red Road - Sedona, Arizona
A couple weeks ago I called my friend Amanda who mentioned she had moved to Sedona. The first thought that crossed my mind was "Should I know where in the world Sedona is.." I decided I probably should know where it is, so I didn't ask. As the conversation continued she kept referencing it, then she said "Someday you should visit here. You would really like it." I finally admitted I had NO idea where it was, and she revealed that it was a common question, and that it was located in the heart of Arizona.
I don't know why, but suddenly I knew I had to go there. She said that in about a week she was leaving and wouldn't be back there for a few months. I knew I couldn't wait a few months.
"How about this weekend?" I asked.
She agreed, and so a few days later, I packed my bags and at the crack of dawn I headed for Sedona, AZ. She had referred to Sedona as an "energy vortex", but I wasn't completely sure what that meant and even less sure what to expect. After watching some videos on Sedona, I found the whole thing fascinating. You might not find it as intriguing as I do, if that's the case skip the next few paragraphs because it's about to get real deep!
Basically, millions of years ago, Sedona was under water. The Sedona you see now literally used to be the bottom of the sea: an underwater crystal city.
After a pole shift, the water retreated and revealed beautiful rock formations. Because of this, each rock in Sedona has a crystal inside, which is believed to amplify what some would consider the "cosmic" energy.
This is why it is called a vortex. A vortex is a connection point, a place of concentrated energy that people can sense, a place where the spiritual dimensions enter the physical dimensions.
Upon entering Sedona, you immediately feel what I can only describe as an energy shift. A major reason for this is due to the spectacular scenery! The red rock formations against the background of a sky filled with a mix of difference colors and cloud formations, it's no wonder people consider their visit to Sedona a powerful spiritual experience. Being surrounded by such beauty changes your inner vibrations, and it is felt immediately.
Perhaps this is why people believe the energies in Sedona can speed up your spiritual growth and amplify your thoughts. It is common for Sedona to bring out suppressed emotions, which is why it is said to have a healing power.
This might all sound crazy until you experience it for yourself. I've found when it comes to anything in life, you take what resonates with you and leave what doesn't. I've always believed Mother Earth, as you might call it, has a healing power that not even the best doctor can prescribe.
The Native American's were the first to walk call Sedona home, and they understood this better than anybody. Upon arriving in Sedona, my friend and I went to an outdoor "mall", and I bought a book called "365 Days of Walking the Red Road: The Native American Path to Leading a Spiritual Life Every Day".
It has a quote for each day of the year, and the very first one was my favorite: "Everything on Earth has a purpose, every disease an herb to cure it, and every person a mission. This is the indian theory of existence."
Another quote from the book: "When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies in yourself."
I find the whole culture of the Native American Tribes to be inspiring. The fact that they lived during a time when the earth had not been rearranged by the hand of man gave them a connection with God and with life I believe we can learn a lot from.
The lady at the cash register I was buying the book from mentioned Sedona called her there years ago and she never left. Amanda told her it was my first time visiting, and she gave me 4 tips while I was there:
1. When suppressed emotions arise, which they will, deal with them.
2. Walk the land.
3. Be of service.
4. Take what Sedona teaches you to heart.
I took her advice and did everything I could to make the most of my 2 days there. It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced.
The city limits outdoor lighting, so at night Sedona is so dark, the stars seem to leap out of the sky. I spent one of the mornings hiking the popular Cathedral Rock, what the Native American's referred to as the "Sun God". This was fitting seeing as it shines especially beautifully at sunrise and sunset. During the hike (which is more like a climb) I met two girls from Utah who had moved to Arizona a few months prior. They told me their stories and gave me some advice from their single years. I couldn't help but think it was more than just a coincidence.
All the locals are so friendly and down to earth in Sedona. Most of the people there practice meditation and healthy living, which I think is a result of living in such a beautiful place. The restaurants we ate at were amazing. The crystal shops there are really popular, and everywhere you go there is cool art for sale. Another local from one of the shops that sold us some of the best chocolate I've ever had says he also gives tours for a living. On our way out he said,
"Sedona has a way of resonating with people who belong here.. people who come here never want to leave. We call that red rock fever."
I could relate to that. I was sad when the two days came to a close and I had to start the drive home. The air-conditioning breaking down didn't help either..
In a weird way, I felt like apart of me died while I was there. Yet somehow, I left feeling a little more whole.
In a weird way, I felt like apart of me died while I was there. Yet somehow, I left feeling a little more whole.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
A New Day
The 2 year mark came and went, and before I knew it I had made it through the worst days of every year: May 3rd - May 7th. His 2 year mark was more painful than I anticipated, but by the end of the day, I saw the beauty in all of it. I knew I could make it another year.
Not that I have a choice.
I guess I would consider myself to be strong, but I'm not sure I know what the other option is? Is the other option to avoid all the pain by just laying in bed all day, watching netflix, and sleeping?
Because that's extremely tempting.
But I guess strength comes when I choose not to let my day consume me, and instead choose to face it, no matter how discouraged I feel.
I've been volunteering lately as a way to build my resume and get my mind off of things. And I've realized that the key to having the energy to make it through every single day, is by giving it away.
I will always get depressed when I realize life hasn't gone how I planned. When I think about how I've envisioned my life turning out, I literally want to burst into laughter/tears when I realize how it went so opposite what I had expected.
But maybe it's because I'm asking the wrong question?
Maybe when we focus less on what we want from the world, and more on what we have to offer the world, maybe that is what makes each day worth living.
Maybe by removing the grand expectations of wanting to make an x amount of money, and have a spouse with x amount of qualities, and having x amount of kids while living in a place that has x amount of opportunities..
No wonder it's so easy to get depressed at times. That's a lot to be disappointed by.
With each new expectation that isn't entirely fulfilled, with each new disappointment we have to face, there comes a need to shift how you view your life and the things that happen to you.
And when I choose to look at life as an opportunity to become my best self, and to dedicate myself to the world around me, suddenly it is all less overwhelming.
When the goal is to become someone that will make the world a better place, everything is so much less disappointing. Because when all the wild expectations are removed, any step in the right direction is a step upward.
So because of that, I'll begin another day. There's so much out there to experience, so many opportunities to become what God and the people in my life (or going to be in my life) need me to be, and I don't want to miss it.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
His Story: A Video
It was around this time last year that I started making a video for what would have been Jon Gabriel's first birthday. It started as a way for me to tell his story more intimately. The video contains actual sound clips from Jon's conversations with the surgeons, and footage from inside the NICU. I never had the chance to finish the video, not in time for his first birthday at least. I decided part of leaving this part of my life behind and moving forward, would include finishing the video. So I did. I've hesitated to post it, as it is so personal and parts of it are sacred to me. But it's not about me. It's about him. It's his story. And as the 2 year anniversary rounds the corner, I can't think of a better time to share it.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
♥♥♥♥♥♥
Expanding
Lately, I've leaned on the words of others to understand what it is I'm feeling. I've learned there are different types of pain, and being able to recognize not just the fact that I'm hurting, but why I am, allows me learn what I need in order to feel whole again. It's also helped me see how I don't want to make people feel.
I heard once that pain is just the voice in your head that tries to hold you back because it knows if you continue, you will change.
Change has seemed to be a constant in my life the last few years.
To go back to who I was even a year ago, would be like going back and taking classes in middle school.
The reality is, I've outgrown that. No matter how hard I try, I can't unsee what I've seen, I can't unexperience what I've experienced, and I can't unfeel what I've felt.
And somehow, I know even less coming out of it than I did going into it.
The difference is, I no longer let what I don't know dictate how I live my life.
I accept that there will be times when I feel fear, but I don't live my life based on what I fear.
I've never believed in the concept of "fearing God over fearing man."
Why are we fearing to begin with?
I don't believe in a God that wants us to fear Him, or anyone for that matter.
I believe in a God that loves us with a love we can't even comprehend. He wants us to learn what it means to have pure love. He knows that if we learn to truly love Him, we won't do anything to harm others or ourselves.
1 John 4:7-8 "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love."
Learning to act out of love is far greater than acting out of fear, whether it's fear of punishment or fear of condemnation. People who fear God or others, don't act out of love.
Pride, arrogance, and shaming have no place in the gospel of Christ. These are all the direct result of acting based off of deep rooted fears. Acceptance, tolerance, and understanding are the results of real love.
Love is the most moving force in the universe, and every single problem, every sin, every heartache, can be traced back to a time when there was a lack of it.
Loving people based on whether they meet certain criteria, means believing people have to earn the right to be loved.
I don't believe in that. I never will.
I believe you are worthy of love, always. God's love is not earned.
His love is unconditional.
You have no reason to fear. You are His. And that is enough.
Any God that would applaud someone for making you feel any less is not a God I believe in.
And sometimes, learning to accept this truth, learning to accept yourself for who you are and love yourself despite your imperfections, takes the most courage of all.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
I'll Write Anyway
This concert was amazing. Their story is inspiring, and there's a certain energy behind acapella music that is unlike any other. Here's one of my favorites of theirs:
Lately I've been working on getting my real estate license and it's been beyond busy! Real estate classes are about as exciting as they sound.. But I'm working as a real estate assistant to my aunt who is one of the top realtors in SLC, and it's been the best! I love my job and everything I'm learning. I love living in SLC. I love the new direction my life has taken.
I haven't updated a lot recently, part of my hesitancy has to do with how much I care about the judgement of other people.
Before recently, I've always been a people pleaser. I would be terrified of offending someone or worry that I was always the primary cause of an outcome. It's the quickest most efficient way to never actually get anywhere productive. The crazy thing is, those that I've been worried about what they think (mostly people from my past) are ones that are fully committed to misunderstanding everything I have said and done. So it's a major waste of time either way.
All that really matters is how I treat those around me. Especially because part of being human and having our own unique viewpoints means also being deslusional to a certain extent. And if I've learned anything in the past few years, it's that the ones who are most delusional are the ones least likely to admit they are.
In other words, I'll be keeping this updated more consistently! It's for my own sake really. I have this weird vision of my future kids being able to have access to all my life stories in one spot. Even though most are void of details, that's where they can come ask and maybe, with the help of my personal journal, I can fill them in.
Every part (well, mostly). Because it has all made me who I am today. And I can't change any of it, but I can build off of it. And someday they might learn something from my journey. And maybe it will encourage them to write their own stories.
I sure hope so.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
New York City
Thanks to my awesome parents, my sisters, Mom, and I got to spend almost a week in New York City. Despite the bitter cold, New York in the winter was a dream come true. I had been once before, but this time was so much fun it felt like the first! The late night flights to and from were a little rough.. But once we landed we filled our days with delicious food, shopping, museums, the 9/11 memorial, the Empire State, and Wicked on broadway. Each day seemed better than the last, and by the end of the trip we were all pretty exhausted!
I have to say touring the New York Palace hotel where they filmed Gossip Girl, was one of the highlights for sure. Thanks to the coolest Concierge for being so willing to give us a tour. I accidentally left my glove in the room that Serena stayed in during the show.. I got over it though:) I figured it's in a much better place now.
It was hard to get a lot of video because most days were below 20 degrees.. But I was able to capture a few highlights. The selfie stick I got in China Town helped a lot too:) Best 10 bucks I've ever spent. I wish I could say that was the only money I spent there..This trip was definitely one for the books!
♥♥♥♥♥♥
Intuition
That’s how I feel about my life at this point in time.
I had no idea what to expect moving to Salt Lake and starting my new job here. But it’s been better than I ever could have imagined. I’m living with my Aunt and Uncle and their family, they are the coolest and while my new job is challenging, it’s exactly what I needed.
Even the singles ward has been great. Everyone is so friendly and they do something every night so it’s been a great way to meet people.
I’ve also learned a lot about myself, and I’m starting to see that part of why I get so down sometimes is because I constantly believe what I’m doing isn’t good enough. That being divorced, living on my own and not eager to get remarried, that somehow that makes me less of a human being.
But when I’m being totally honest, I can admit that I see so much value in investing time and energy into myself at this point in my life.
It’s not something we talk about very often. But I strongly believe part of our purpose here is to get to know ourselves. It allows us to recognize when our soul is telling us something, intuition is what people call it, and then to follow through. That is how we make decisions that are best for us. Which is vital if we are going to be able to benefit other’s lives in return.
I think we hear a lot about listening to our “instinct”, but often times it’s easy to let other people’s opinions drown out our own. When there is so much uncertainty about the future, it can be tempting to just take others advice to heart and run with it.
The problem is, in turn, we ignore the voice that speaking to us.
The Holy Ghost is real, and I think there’s something more personal to it than we realize. It’s an internal guidance system that knows each of us individually. Perhaps intuition and God's spirit are one in the same.
And in order to truly live a life of purpose and fulfillment, I need to be able to recognize and listen to my “gut” feeling. Deep down, the answers are all there. And if they aren’t immediately apparent, my soul has what it takes to find them.
And sometimes, that means being willing to look places I haven’t looked before. Other times, it means learning to balance others opinions on how I should live vs. recognizing what I feel deep down.
It’s all a balancing act. We need others diverse perspectives and experiences so that we can see things more clearly. But we also need to know ourselves enough to know what is personally best for us.
One thing I appreciate so much is the kind of support I received when I finally opened up to my family about issues within my marriage. I told them of the inner turmoil I was experiencing in trying to figure out if I could keep it up the rest of my life.
When I told them, I was surprised to find out that most already knew there was a problem before I even said anything. They expressed that it hurt them to hear and they validated my feelings and concerns. And then they said what I didn’t even realize I needed most in that moment:
“Unfortunately, we can’t make this decision for you. This is between you and the Lord.”
They weighed the pros and cons with me as well as tried to paint an accurate description of what my life would be like either way, they offered hope when I felt most lost and confused, and they listened as I talked through things over and over.
They assured me they would support me in whatever decision I made, but they never told me what I should do.
While it would have been easy for my family to make the decision for me, for my own sake, it had to be up to me.
And now, 6 months later. I see why.
Now that the aftermath of divorce has taken place and I have moments where I second guess, I don’t ever wonder if I let other’s opinions carry too much weight in those months when I was trying to decide if I should stay or go.
I know that I made the decision solely on my own, the decision that was best for me. And I own that.
And while I get lonely at times and it causes me to wonder what might have been, I don’t wonder if I let other people’s bias’s determine my destiny.
I determine my destiny. And because of that, I see why the gift of agency is invaluable. That this life really is about choosing right over wrong, and when it’s not as black and white as that, it's a matter of choosing what we feel is best deep down.
And even though there have been times when I let my emotions take over and I've ignored the voice within and it's caused me to make the wrong decision, choosing to get divorced wasn't one of those times.
For once I didn’t let emotions nor other’s bias’s determine the direction I took. I spent a lot of time weighing the options and I finally went in the direction I had felt deep down for a very long time, which meant going in that direction alone.
We are more in control of our lives than we realize. And owning our life and accepting responsibility for every decision we make can sometimes be painful.
But it’s all part of the human experience. We are more powerful than we can comprehend and it all stems from our ability to choose.
And when it comes down to this decision, I know it was the right one. I followed my instinct, and I like where it has led me.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
Holidays
Stopped here on Christmas Eve, it would have been his 2nd Christmas ^
Said goodbye to my cousin Ben who left on a mission to Argentina ^
Ice Skating in SLC ^
Made this gem on New Years Eve ^
I don't remember a winter break ever being as good as this years! Maybe it has something to do with being graduated, who knows?;)
♥♥♥♥♥♥
Moving On
.jpg&container=blogger&gadget=a&rewriteMime=image%2F*)
I took my last (and hardest) final a couple of weeks ago! I even got the words next to my score! Aka 91%:) It feels so good to be done! As I spend the last few days at my on campus job this week, I've been able to reflect on my experience here. I was worried I'd leave BYU feeling nothing but bitterness for the fact that I was married my sophomore year and divorced my senior year. Walking on campus and driving through provo, it's hard not to have even the smallest things trigger a memory of my married days.
But those memories no longer feel painful. I'm not bitter. Well that's not true. I'm not bitter toward my experience here at the Y. In fact, certain things have helped me appreciate even more my opportunity to study here. I'm very lucky.
Though I was raised just 10 mins north, Provo has become my home. I've worked on campus for 4 years (first half for BYU maintenance, second half as a locksmith). I've conquered 2 semesters while pregnant. I've made some of my closest friends while playing pick up games at the Richards building. I completed a 200 hour long internship at Curves in provo, and I've buried my son at the cemetery on 9th east and state. I've lived on campus in married housing where I made lifelong friendships and had opportunities to serve that have shaped who I am today. I've been given a scholarship for writing about my son, which to me means his story will continue to live on. I've switched my major at the Y three different times, which is why I ended up with a Communications minor. Despite my Exercise and Wellness major, I've made more Swig trips than I am proud of. I have taken random classes unrelated to my major just for the fun of it, such as Intro to Print Publishing and Advanced Scuba Diving. I've volunteered for Women's Resources where I've started a divorce support group, and met some great people with amazing experiences.
Since getting divorced, I've developed deeper and more meaningful friendships and less superficial ones. I've learned to care less about what people think and more about what my God and Savior think. I've learned that a journey toward change sometimes includes 2 steps forward and 1 step backward, but each day I need to give my best to make it 3 steps forward. I've learned that sometimes, the best I have to give is just getting out of bed in the morning and not having a break down during the day, and sometimes that's good enough. I've also learned I'm stronger than I give myself credit for, as there are few that have walked my same path and I need to be more patient with myself.
All in all, I'm content with my experiences, and i'll always be grateful for the impact they've had on my life. But now, there's really nothing left for me here. I'm more than ready and eager to move on. I was planning on leaving the state to go nanny somewhere as soon as I finished. To me, there is something so fulfilling and even somewhat healing about nannying, and maybe someday I still will.
But as for right now, I've found a great job with a lot of potential in Salt Lake, and i'll be moving up there this week.
I'm leaving the memories behind and going to find my life elsewhere. I know the Lord has a plan for me, and i'm confident that in this moment, it's not here.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
Year 23
Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes! It was better than I ever would have expected! I remember talking to my friend the day before about how I'd almost rather just skip the major holidays and my birthday this year, as I don't want to be reminded I'm celebrating it on my own.
But then my birthday came and went and it was the best birthday I've had in longer than I can even remember. Somehow all the love I felt from so many people just healed my heart for a whole day. I didn't feel sad or lonely even once, and I felt this renewed feeling of hope, like I was being given a fresh start.
I feel like year 23 is going to be a special one. Like maybe the trials of my 22nd year are going to be what makes the 23rd year even more wonderful.
I watched this video today:
Lately I've struggled with knowing how exactly I can use the atonement to heal my heart. Sometimes it seems that scripture study and prayer, while essential to bringing me daily peace, can only heal my heart to a certain extent. There seems to be a little more of a gap that exists, and I've struggled with knowing exactly how the atonement can bridge that gap and heal me personally.
After my 23rd birthday, I understood the answer.
As God's children we can play an active role in helping people utilize Christ's atonement. The love and support I felt from so many, filled that part of my soul that seemed to be incurable no matter what I tried.
The acts of kindness from so many taught me that we are literally Christ's hands in helping those around us. That being loved, and loving in return allows the healing effect of Christ's incredible gift to manifest itself.
There are times when I am the most self absorbed person; times when I spend more energy feeling sorry for myself because of what has taken place in my journey, rather then figuring out how I can make someone else's journey a little easier.
My friend gave me an article to read the other day titled "How do I love thee?" In it, Elder Holland talks about how Christ was the only one who loved perfectly, and even though we fall short, it is by striving to reach that standard that we strengthen those around us and in turn begin to heal ourselves.
My favorite quote:
"And as we speak of this, may I remind you, as Mormon explicitly taught, that this love, this ability, capacity, and reciprocation we all so want, is a gift. It is “bestowed”—that is Mormon’s word. It doesn’t come without effort and it doesn’t come without patience, but, like salvation itself, in the end it is a gift, given by God to the “true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ.” The solutions to life’s problems are always gospel solutions. Not only are answers found in Christ, but so is the power, the gift, the bestowal, the miracle of giving and receiving those answers. In this matter of love, no doctrine could be more encouraging to us than that."
I see looking back during the course of my marriage, especially those last few months, that I really struggled after trying so hard to love, only to have nothing to show for it. Despite the fact that I was trying in every way I knew how, things were only getting worse.
After I reached that instance where I felt I had literally given all the love and patience my heart had to give, my imperfect human tendencies kicked in and I thought "What's the point?"
I felt so much bitterness toward the people in their own healthy relationships telling me I needed to stay in mine, with little thought about my own personal well being. I felt bitterness toward God, feeling like somehow He had abandoned me after I not only endured, but I endured well.
I remember one night in particular telling God that I would continue to seek revelation on the matter, but if He didn't stop me, I was eventually going to let go. I kept my side of the bargain and did everything I knew how. I searched the scriptures more fervently than I ever had. I sought direction by writing out my feelings in my journal, attending the temple, and counseling with my bishop.
Though I was frustrated and hurting in a way I didn't know was possible, I wanted to be sure I had given my all. And somewhere in the process of doing all I could and seeing things not only remain unchanged but actually get worse, I reached a point of no return. I remember the very day it happened. Remembering that day, brings a lot of clarity.
I was done, and he made it clear he was too. Soon after, I left on a trip to California with my family by myself. I came back, he had packed up the house and moved out, and I started a new life on my own.
And for weeks I felt nothing but bitterness it seemed. It caused me to do things I regret and it caused me to suffer an unnecessary amount of heartache, on top of what was already heartache.
But somehow I found myself again. Somehow the Lord never gave up on me, and ever since I've come to understand that the Lord was there all along. That He cares about me being happy, and that His love for me is enough.
And so, here's to a 23rd year of trying once again to put aside the hurt and learn to love the people in my life in every way I know how. Here's to another December of remembering what the real meaning of Christmas is all about. Here's to another year of striving to look outside myself and see people through Christ's eyes. And here's to another year of falling short.
But even though I will fall short, it will be another year of improvement. Another year of growth and experience, of being shaped into the person He needs me to be.
Because the point isn't whether or not I've stumbled. He knew I would be given some tough circumstances, and He knew I would give up for a time being. But the point is that I try again. That when the time comes I learn to trust once again and give someone else a chance, that I allow my experiences to make me even kinder to those around me and I let it open my heart instead of close it.
Here's to another year of being human. And because of Him, because of the gift, that might not be so bad after all.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
Surviving the firsts
Black Friday shoppin with the fam^^
Thanksgiving day with this cute little turkey^^
If at any point I had forgotten that I'm still grieving the loss of my marriage and mending a broken heart from losing that 2 and a half year relationship, the holidays don't fail to remind me.
Just like when I lost my son, I had to confront and then learn to endure each major event that would remind me of the point I was at the year before, that point when I was pregnant with him and when I was completely oblivious to the tremendous trials that lay ahead. I remember Thanksgiving 2012 was when we found out we were 6 weeks pregnant. That following Christmas we told our families the exciting news, and it was painful to remember those moments a year later, knowing my arms were empty and instead I was left with only memories of my baby.
I think anyone who knows what it's like to lose a baby would agree that the holidays following their death are the hardest. Now add being single again, knowing the little family I used to have no longer exists, and it's as if the holes in my heart will always be there. Because, even though I made a choice to get divorced, a choice I don't regret and one that I feel strongly was the best path to take, it still hurts sometimes like it was just yesterday.
This time of year is all about family, relationships, showing our love for those around us and receiving it in return. November and December give us opportunities to reflect on all we have to be grateful for and the memories we've experienced with those we love in the years prior. Maybe that's why more social gatherings happen in these two months alone than nearly all the other months combined. On top of that, it's my birthday in a couple of days. All of these events I've usually spent being married, I'm back to experiencing on my own.
It's really weird going through all these events as a single person, for the first time in 3 years. Except this time, I'm not the same girl I was before I met him. I'm a completely new individual, so this path is a whole new territory. I can't go back to the single person I was before I was married, as I've outgrown her. That person I was disappeared somewhere in the two years of marriage. Somewhere between all the sacrifices that were made, there was a point where choosing to stay married came at much too high a cost, a cost that shouldn't have to be paid. On top of that, I brought a child into the world only to have to take him off life support a few days later. It's impossible to go through experiences like these and stay the same person. It's just a matter of now putting the pieces back together and figuring out once again who I am and my purpose here.
Because I know for a fact that I'm no longer the naive, happy go lucky, 20 year old I was when I got married. And I'm grateful for that. I like who I've become, and even though I am less than proud of certain parts of myself, I see a major benefits to the trials I've experienced.
This doesn't mean I don't have moments of bitterness. Moments when I can't believe I wasn't worth fighting for; moments when I hate that I gave 2 years of my best self. Then I find comfort in the fact that I've accepted part of the responsibility, I've recognized the need to seek counseling to heal from losing my child and to fix parts of myself so that I can become the best future spouse and partner I can be. I'm doing what it takes to improve myself, and I'm not perfect at it, but it means that I've at least admitted to having a problem.
In the process, I allow myself to feel everything. I don't let myself bury things, and I recognize that when I start to feel numb is when I know I'm in trouble. Sometimes that means living with an aching pain in my chest for hours at a time. Other times it means questioning my own self worth and wondering if I'll ever be worth the effort, if I'll ever end up in a healthy relationship, one that isn't so damn difficult all the time and where loving isn't so complicated.
But I accept the heavy feelings, because at least it means I'm feeling everything. The sting means I'm a step closer to healing, and I know that in order to fully overcome each part I have to feel it, all of it. And feeling it reminds me that I'm human and I'm alive and I'm trying. So even though it is really discouraging at times and I wonder if it will ever go away, I embrace it. Because I know it's only temporary, and when it finally does go away, when the pain is gone for awhile and the fog is removed and I can finally see things clearly again I realize,
I'm going to make it. I'm going to be just fine.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
The Beauty of Words
♥♥♥♥♥♥
This is going to sound passive aggressive
Life has been great recently, partly because I have chosen to make it so. I still experience the daily emotional roller coaster, but I've come to accept that it's all part of loss and mistakes and I have more control over my thoughts than I sometimes believe.
The realization I came to this week, while important, does include a somewhat passive aggressive tone. Or in other words, the whole "REAL friends wouldn't do that" vibe. I do apologize that that's how it sounds, but I'm going to write it anyway.
If I had to pick an overriding negative emotion I've felt recently it would be anger. This is a problem, because feeling angry can stunt the healing process as well cause me to focus all my energy on others who have hurt me as opposed to making the changes and improvements I need to make. In other words, being angry and feeling humble cannot coexist. However, it is important to acknowledge the source of the anger, which is a lot of things. Most recently, however, it stems from finding out lies that were being spread to people I know, some of whom I see daily, surrounding the circumstances of my divorce. It confirmed two things in my mind.
1. I made the right decision to remove people from my life that would so easily try to slander my name in an attempt to make them look less at fault.
2. The best way to live a life filled with mediocrity is to live a life based on the opinion's of others.
This realization didn't come easily. I'm grateful for the initial hurt and anger I experienced, because it helped me reach the point I'm at now.
I sat in my therapist's office last week, and told her my frustration. She's seriously the coolest, and knows every single part of my life and still thinks I'm great, so that's comforting. (Unless that's just part of her job, in which case I'm glad she is good at faking it.)
I told her the lies and how it hurt because I felt like I could easily have gone off on my ex and slandered his name, as he has certainly exhibited the behavior to make that possible. I told her I felt that was inappropriate and I have enough respect to not do something like that, and yet, the same respect isn't being shown. I also mentioned that this is probably just another reason why getting divorced sucks. People pick sides, despite having so little understanding of what actually took place.
She validated everything I said and told me anger is a secondary emotion and I need to recognize and confront the primary emotion it's covering up. She then said that I shouldn't let others behavior dictate my own. In other words "Be the bigger person" was the take away message.
Later that day I was talking to a friend, one that knows everything about me and has been there through it all. After hearing about my counseling session she responded, "Madds I don't think you understand. The people that know you, get it. So when they hear one, extremely biased, side of the story, they know that it's just that, biased. If you knew how many people love and care about you, you wouldn't even think twice about those who so clearly don't. You know the truth, you know how events played out and you know how you were treated. People that know you will know there's far more to the story than what is being shared. And honestly, you have so many people that care about you, don't even give a second thought (she used more colorful vocabulary here, but this blog is rated G) to the one's that don't. They haven't walked your path, and they certainly weren't in your marriage for two years. "
I know she's right, and deep down I know I haven't lost anyone close to me over this. Those that know me either know my side of the story or try to hear my side before placing judgement. The people that don't, aren't worth the frustration anyway.
I finally went through all my social media and phone contacts, and removed the people that in no way have my best interest in mind. And yet as I scrolled through the long list of names, it occurred to me how many do.
I suddenly went from feeling so hurt from the very few people (who interestingly enough know me the very least) that condemn me for my divorce without seeking for a better understanding of my circumstances, to realizing how many do care.
I'm so grateful for the people I've met who are part of my journey here, but mostly I'm grateful for the one's who want to help me through my journey. The one's who have my back and I have there's.
If you're reading this, you're most likely one of them, and I'm grateful for the contribution you've made to my story. That's what life is about isn't it? To spend our time and energy with people that we love and that love us. This life is pretty crappy sometimes, and the only thing that makes it worth living is the people in it.
And maybe with time, bitter feelings can fade and hearts can heal and friendships can be renewed. I guess possibility is what makes the future so hopeful.
Until then, I realize that we are all just walking each other home. And right now, I'll choose to walk with those who care about me.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
Disney in October
My family decided to spend a week at Disney for their fall break, and although I don't have a fall break, I have become an expert at missing as many classes as I can while still making up all the work, so I decided to join them:) Disneyland is always special, but there's something about going in the fall that makes it unforgettable. My favorite part was at night when they'd have the "Mickey's Halloween Party" and all the little kids and even the parents would dress up. I've never seen so many Elsa and Anna's in my life:) It was the cutest thing! The last night we were there, right as the sun was starting to set, we sat on Main Street, ate ice cream, and watched all the people walk toward the castle in their costumes, ready for the halloween party. It was dreamy.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
The Healing Power
I want to say the reason I haven't updated in so long is because of how busy life has been lately, but that's not entirely true because there has been a lot of times where my schoolwork has taken a back seat to blogging. The reality is that the past few weeks have been more difficult than I ever could have imagined. One thing that has really helped me stay grounded and has honestly been my saving grace is writing in my journal consistently. One of the major benefits of keeping track of my own personal history is it allows me to see things as as they really are.
I believe the adversary, and the darkness within each of us, tries to skew our perception of reality. When we are trying to determine why our circumstances are the way they are, it can lead us to feel an unnecessary amount of shame and guilt, which causes us to put all the blame on ourselves. Or, the other extreme, our feelings of pride and arrogance keep us from seeing the part we played and the wrong we've done. Either way, having a skewed reality keeps us from seeing our weakness's and our strengths, which causes us to place the blame solely on others, or accept all the blame ourselves.
Being able to go back and read my journal during the times when my marriage was coming to a close, allows me to not remember things as better than they were, which means I won't spend my current days missing a reality that never actually existed. In other words, I won't spend my days missing the idea of what I wanted my marriage to be like rather than the reality of what it was.
On the contrary, being able to write out my thoughts in the current situation I'm in has allowed me to see where I went wrong. I can see how wrong choices I've made have played a part in leading me to the circumstance I'm in now. Accepting accountability for where I am currently allows me to to see that with tremendous help from Christ Himself, I can get to where I need to be. After all, we aren't victims of circumstance, rather, creators of it.
Because I keep this blog as a record of my own personal journey, I am going to share an excerpt I wrote recently in my own journal that will help me remember, no matter how badly I want to forget, this point in my life:
Dear Journal,
"The past few weeks have been beyond difficult. I've experienced a depression that is deeper and darker than I could have ever imagined. Part of the reason is self inflicted. I see that past choices I've made have hindered my progress and caused unnecessary damage to those around me. The feelings of regret as I look back at the past, along with the longing that maybe somehow my life could have been different, has caused me to feel more hopeless than ever before.
And yet, I see what I've been taught my whole life, that there is an existing force outside of myself that will do anything to lead me down a path of misery and despair. Because of this, I see that there is an opposite force of equal power, that knows the way to true, everlasting joy and fulfillment. I see that I'm not a victim to either one, because I have the ability to choose which one I'll respond to and which one I'll allow to have the greatest influence over me.
I am grateful that the fog that seemed to be keeping me from seeing things as they really are has been removed, and I can see my past as well as my current reality more clearly than ever before.
It's frightening and empowering all at once. No matter how much it stings to see the reality of how my life has played out, and to accept my part in it, it helps me better choose to be guided by the light instead of the darkness. I know that He knows and understands better than anyone, because He can see every part.
And even though this phase of my life is so much darker and more difficult than I could have ever imagined it would be, both because of my own choices and the choices of others, I am so grateful for so many people in my life who have loved me despite my imperfections, even though they can't understand what I'm feeling because they haven't walked my path.
Luckily there is one who has felt what I've felt. And even though there have been times when I've been bitter and hurting that I've shut Him out, He has never given up on me. Somehow He still sees value in me, even when I can't see it in myself.
And as I look back on my own mistakes with regret and heartache, I wonder what my son would think, or does think, seeing as I know he has been there even in my darkest moments. I mentioned this to a friend the other day, I mentioned how much shame and heartache I felt knowing my son could see my imperfections.
"What does he think of me, what does he think knowing the wrongs I've done?"
Her response: "Your son? You mean the one who is living in the presence of Christ himself? Who can touch the holes in His hands and feet, and can see all things from the beginning? He is not ashamed of you, he is rootingfor you to develop a relationship with the Savior and make it home. There's no one on this earth he wants to see more, and he will be there for you every step of the way. Through the light and the darkness. He's seen both the wrongs and the rights, and he will love you through it all."
And how grateful I am that though I've wavered from the path, I can choose today to do all in my power to become the person Christ needs me to be.
And that alone won't be enough. But the beautiful part is that He will make it enough. He gave everything so that when darkness seems to be all that I can see, I am able to find my way back to Him again. How can I not cling to that? He's my way home, and there's someone there waiting for me."
And even though this phase of my life is so much darker and more difficult than I could have ever imagined it would be, both because of my own choices and the choices of others, I am so grateful for so many people in my life who have loved me despite my imperfections, even though they can't understand what I'm feeling because they haven't walked my path.
Luckily there is one who has felt what I've felt. And even though there have been times when I've been bitter and hurting that I've shut Him out, He has never given up on me. Somehow He still sees value in me, even when I can't see it in myself.
And as I look back on my own mistakes with regret and heartache, I wonder what my son would think, or does think, seeing as I know he has been there even in my darkest moments. I mentioned this to a friend the other day, I mentioned how much shame and heartache I felt knowing my son could see my imperfections.
"What does he think of me, what does he think knowing the wrongs I've done?"
Her response: "Your son? You mean the one who is living in the presence of Christ himself? Who can touch the holes in His hands and feet, and can see all things from the beginning? He is not ashamed of you, he is rootingfor you to develop a relationship with the Savior and make it home. There's no one on this earth he wants to see more, and he will be there for you every step of the way. Through the light and the darkness. He's seen both the wrongs and the rights, and he will love you through it all."
And how grateful I am that though I've wavered from the path, I can choose today to do all in my power to become the person Christ needs me to be.
And that alone won't be enough. But the beautiful part is that He will make it enough. He gave everything so that when darkness seems to be all that I can see, I am able to find my way back to Him again. How can I not cling to that? He's my way home, and there's someone there waiting for me."
♥♥♥♥♥♥
Vacation Workouts
We're on day 5 of our vacation here in Cali:) I've been trying to keep up with my workouts here, because nothing feels worse then coming home from a vacation and feeling out of shape again!
Working out can be difficult when you're on a trip and you're no longer following your daily routine. When i'm on vacation I usually try and go on at least a run every morning, but since we do so much walking at Disneyland I've compromised and done a workout every other morning. The routine you see above is one of my very favorites! I usually do 4 or 5 sets and it usually takes about 30-35 mins, but you can adjust the amount of sets you do depending on how much time you have. I like it because it offers resistance training, but it kicks up your heart rate and you get some cardio in as well. I'm way more tired after finishing this then I am after a normal run or weight lifting workout, but it feels amazing! Plus it's super simple and doesn't require any gym equipment so you can do it from anywhere. It also increased my vertical jump by a few inches. Which may not be a big deal for some but if you play intramural sports it's a plus:)
If you're looking at the list and don't know how to do any of the routines above, a quick google search will answer your question. (I had to google burpees when I first started) So there you go! An easy workout you can do while on vacation.
And also, that was the view from my workout spot this morning.. This getaway has been much needed:)
♥♥♥♥♥♥
That post about Fall
We are already almost halfway through October!! Yay for sweaters, fall leaves, and pumpkin everything:) Here's a little update:
+ Spontaneous photoshoot with my sisters up at my Aunts house in Draper. It was going well until a horse reached over the fence and tried eating our hair.
+Vanilla Steamers at Starbucks are golden.
+ Celebrated my adorable sister, Ella's, birthday. She is in 8th grade, and my Mom threw her a party with all her friends. She had over 70 kids there.. I don't even think I knew that many people in 8th grade. Shouldn't she have to go through the awkward stage like the rest of us? Haha love her!
+Hung out with some friends that rented that adorable little puppy Jamie! Isn't he to die for? Except don't be fooled by that perfect face, he bit anything and everything. I have bite marks to prove it!
Every year is another reminder that BYU doesn't have fall break. So in attempts to rebel against that fact, I took off the whole week and am now in the sunny state with my family! #worthit
We are hitting up the happiest place on earth today! What are your favorite parts about Disneyland? Besides the fact that I found out Hailey Devine and her family from Something Devine Blog are currently there. Maybe we'll bump into them:)
More pictures to come xoxo
♥♥♥♥♥♥